As a young child, I remember looking at myself in the mirror a lot. It wasn't because I thought I was good looking or ugly. I just sat in front of it and couldn't believe that the person I saw was me. I just observed myself. I ate in front of it and learned my quirks when i ate. Moving my hands around was amusing to me. Practing at talking was what i did the most. I later learned at school that facial expression was inportant. It made me practice them in front of the mirror. I am now able to control my face to be a blank slate or show an emotion very clearly. I still kinda practice in the mirror. Good times.
When I was a kid, my best friend of the time and I used to do "fortune telling" from fireweed leaves. I think she's the one who came up with it. We'd gather a bunch of them, make small tears to them to distinguish them from each other and then bounce them around on my family's trampoline. Where each leaf landed would determine the future. How silly 😂 Those were some good times.
Hardest part of moving a lot is not being able to establish friends, nor self-identity. I move from culture to culture and it fucked my brain. Growing up, I experienced 10 different cultures and settling in one country after all of those commotions drove me far more nuts. I don't know ethics and manners too well. I don't know how to blend in with other kids because I don't know how to. And sometimes I get mad at my parents for making me grew up like that. I promised to my kids, I won't let them grow up like that. And if they want to travel, only if their identity is settled. When they know who they are and the people around them. There is up to them to widen that.
My dad dumped my mom when I was 2. When I was 4 until I was 7 she dated another guy who treated me like a son. Then she dumped him to date a new guy. She kept trying to get me to call him "dad." I didn't want to do it. She had me convinced it was my fault he didn't love me. That I should have done more to reach out to him. I spent nearly 20 years trying to reach out to that stupid piece of crap. Blaming myself. It was never my fault. He never cared about me from day 1. I have NEVER been a part of his family. I did everything I could. It still hurts, even as an adult.
Confession #17 When I was little, I hated the world so much that I used to pretend movies like Charlie and the Choclate factory and Grease were real, and I would pretend that was the world I lived in..
When I was a kid, I didn't like brushing my teeth because my mom told me that plaque happens because the bacteria on your teeth are building tiny cities, and you have to brush to keep them from building cities on your teeth. Well I felt bad for destroying their cities and making them constantly rebuild everything, so I avoided brushing my teeth. I don't remember when or why I stopped thinking this way and just started brushing my teeth.
My sexuality when I was a child makes me ashamed in retrospect. The first thing I remember is that when I was six and my mom was pregnant, I would sometimes hump her when I slept next to her and try to touch her vulva. She, of course, told me to stop. And for a couple years during elementary school, my brother and I would often lie down and kind of rub against each other while trying to kiss each other's faces. Sometimes he would lie on top of me, sometimes the other way around and I think I actually liked it at the time? I don't know how it started and which one of us came up with it, but I blame myself because I'm four years older. Many years later when we both were teens, we kind of acknowledged it without really talking about it. "Remember that rubbing thing we did as kids?" "It was stupid." "Definitely." And then there are things that I didn't initiate but didn't oppose either. Some boy around my age grabbed my vulva when I was 8-9-ish, and my sister's friend once did the same when we were playing blind man's buff. Both times I acted like I didn't like it even though I did. And when I was 11, I once almost molested my friend's little sister. I kept telling her to take her clothes off without touching her, but when my friend came into the room I stopped so she wouldn't notice. Her little sister was still wearing tights and an undershirt at that point, so I don't know if anyone did notice. That's... all I wanted to confess. I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me.
I'm worried about my son. He's not showing any drive. He's 7 and he just doesn't want to try. His little sister is eager to learn. Reading, gymnastics, skateboarding, everything. My won just can't seem to be made to bother. It reminds me of the worst parts of myself. Like his fear of failure has become a fear of trying. Kids who aren't as smart as him are surpassing him and I don't want him to waste his youth like I did.
When I was a kid, I feel like I was a tiring friend. I wouldn't quiet down if my friend told me she had a headache, I was extremely stubborn and in my teen years I took every chance I could get to vent to my friends, essentially suffocating them with my problems. And when I tried to be nice or empathetic to others, I ended up just coming across as pitying. In the present, I've lost touch with all my school friends and acquiantances, but I wish I could apologize to them. I don't have their contact info anymore, so I don't know how. I just hope that I didn't make anybody feel bad about themselves back then.
I... think I'm bigender. Like both male and female, like I have two people living in one body. But I don't know how to confirm this. I don't know if that's right, and I don't know how to find out if it is.