When I was a kid my parents hired a female babysitter to watch over me on nights my parents had to work late. She was a girl around 17 or 18 and I was a boy around 10 years old. She was nice company until she started getting weird. She would make me watch porn from her phone and then after the videos were over she would ask me if they ''did anything for me'' and I always said that they did not. Then a couple months after that she somehow convinced me to let her wash me while I took a bath. She had made it sound like it was a normal, innocent thing to do and that I was the one being strange for not wanting to. She started by shampooing my hair and worked her way down and then when she reached my dick I felt frightened so I pushed her hands away and said ''I can do it by myself’' and she said something along the lines of ‘’no, you won't do it properly'’ so she washed my dick in what was clearly more of a jerking motion than a washing motion and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I remember thinking that if I said something she would become angry at me for thinking that what she was doing to me was wrong and weird and then she would tell my parents, so I just let her After that happened she would show me videos of men...doing things...to women and she’d make me reenact what I saw on the videos. If I said no she would threaten to tell my parents that I had been a “very bad boy”. I may have been young at the time, but even then I knew that in situations like this, everyone would believe the girl over the boy. She made me do other things too. Things I can't even bring myself to write down. She made me cry. She was a very sick person. Sometimes I feel like I let it happen because I didn’t speak up or resist hard enough but I didn’t know any better. I was fucking ten years old. When I turned 16 I was in the parking lot of a convenience store after the sun had gone down and I was about to start walking home when out of nowhere a large 40 something year old man who I did not know came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me in place. Like a hug from behind. I couldn't move. He started humping me. It was as if he was using my body to jack off. He was so forceful and overpowering that I lost balance and fell onto the gritty concrete of the parking lot scraping both my palms and elbows raw. He still didn't stop even after I was on the ground. I screamed for people to help me but most of them just ignored me and some guys stayed for only a second to cheer on the man on top of me and take pictures. They took pictures.They cheered him on and I was crying. I was 16. He was middle aged. I was on the ground. He was on top of me. I was screaming. He was laughing. No one helped me. No one. He was making vulgar noises in my ear. His hands pinned me down at my shoulders making it hard for me to breathe on top of sheer terror. He called me pretty boy, a faggot, and a little bitch. When he finished he got up and drove his foot so hard into my stomach that all I could do was gasp and curl into a ball to try to protect myself in case he planned to hit me again. Then he bent down, lifted my head off the ground by a handful of my hair and whispered ''thanks for the good time, kid’’ in my ear and left. Just like that. He thanked me and left. Two years later my now ex-girlfriend and I were walking through an abandoned trail in the forest. Up until then, we had only kissed a couple of times so I could tell she was trying to seduce me. She was kissing me very passionately and her hands were gently tugging my belt. Then she playfully hugged me from behind and pressed her whole body against mine. I immediately froze. It was almost like a PTSD reaction, I think. I was fine with the kissing and the touching but when she pressed herself behind me and wrapped her arms around me like that, it was just too similar to what the man from the convenience store had done to me. She asked me what was wrong but I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t even see her anymore as she stood right in front of me. I could only see the man from the convenience store. And before I realized it, I was crying because the memory was so sharp and so sudden that I vividly recalled all the things I felt at that time. The fear, the anger, the confusion, the humiliation, the feeling of betrayal and abandonment as strangers casually walked away, the PAIN, the disgust, the feelings of utter helplessness, the nausea, all of it. She got frustrated at me for ruining the mood and told me to ‘’come back when you’re ready to deal with your issues like a grown up’’ and left. Because of this, it's difficult for me to have normal sex with my current girlfriend and she gets angry and tells me to get over it. She says it's in the past. That she isn't the man from the convenience store or the babysitter from my childhood. That it's rude of me to even think like that. Because of this, I shrink away every time someone bigger than me puts their hands on me and they tell me to ''stop being such a wuss''. Because of this, I am afraid of making eye contact with strangers on the street as I fear they will attack me. Because of this, I am afraid of dressing up in bold colors and eye-catching clothes as I fear it will make me stand out to dangerous people. I was abused as a child and assaulted as a teen. I knew it then and I know it now. It changes you.
I feel so thight and I am just 12 ):
When I was 13 years old my dad's side of the family cut off all ties with me after I confessed my dad was sexually abusing me. Now that I'm older we've reconnected and we're speaking again. Some of the family members I'm most concerned about are my younger cousins. In their eyes I just simply disappeared before they even finished elementary school and now I've reappeared now that they're in high school. I'm worried about what they think and if they hate me. Lately my car's been having problems so It's been hard to visit. But both of their birthday parties were this month a no one told me. It doesn't help that I'm dead broke and can't get them anything.
The only place i feel safe is in my own head...
I kissed a girl and I liked it. my first kiss was at an all girls slumber party when I was 12 and truth or dare ked to us all kissing each other at some point. I remember not knowing how to kiss but always hoping that my I'd get to kiss my best friend again that night. I've pushed it to the back of my mind and never really thought about it..
I'm an angry, sad, very sad boy...
Castiel has the IQ of a zillion...Still acts like a baby in a trench coat...
When I was young my dad would punish me for being a brat by beating me with his belt. It hurt a lot and left me a trauma that didn't vanish completely until I got 18 or so. Now I'm 24, a fucked up sick masochist, and I really, really miss those times :'(
Mothers day is coming up and i couldn't give 'two shakes of a rats ass...Is that right do rats shake their ass or is it something else?'
My mom's a fucking psycho!