My sexuality when I was a child makes me ashamed in retrospect. The first thing I remember is that when I was six and my mom was pregnant, I would sometimes hump her when I slept next to her and try to touch her vulva. She, of course, told me to stop. And for a couple years during elementary school, my brother and I would often lie down and kind of rub against each other while trying to kiss each other's faces. Sometimes he would lie on top of me, sometimes the other way around and I think I actually liked it at the time? I don't know how it started and which one of us came up with it, but I blame myself because I'm four years older. Many years later when we both were teens, we kind of acknowledged it without really talking about it. "Remember that rubbing thing we did as kids?" "It was stupid." "Definitely." And then there are things that I didn't initiate but didn't oppose either. Some boy around my age grabbed my vulva when I was 8-9-ish, and my sister's friend once did the same when we were playing blind man's buff. Both times I acted like I didn't like it even though I did. And when I was 11, I once almost molested my friend's little sister. I kept telling her to take her clothes off without touching her, but when my friend came into the room I stopped so she wouldn't notice. Her little sister was still wearing tights and an undershirt at that point, so I don't know if anyone did notice. That's... all I wanted to confess. I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me.
I'm worried about my son. He's not showing any drive. He's 7 and he just doesn't want to try. His little sister is eager to learn. Reading, gymnastics, skateboarding, everything. My won just can't seem to be made to bother. It reminds me of the worst parts of myself. Like his fear of failure has become a fear of trying. Kids who aren't as smart as him are surpassing him and I don't want him to waste his youth like I did.
When I was a kid, I feel like I was a tiring friend. I wouldn't quiet down if my friend told me she had a headache, I was extremely stubborn and in my teen years I took every chance I could get to vent to my friends, essentially suffocating them with my problems. And when I tried to be nice or empathetic to others, I ended up just coming across as pitying. In the present, I've lost touch with all my school friends and acquiantances, but I wish I could apologize to them. I don't have their contact info anymore, so I don't know how. I just hope that I didn't make anybody feel bad about themselves back then.
I... think I'm bigender. Like both male and female, like I have two people living in one body. But I don't know how to confirm this. I don't know if that's right, and I don't know how to find out if it is.
Back in the days when I was 8 years old my dad was touching me in the area.... Anyways for some unknown reason I've flirted with him today and I can't sleep now. This is gross, I need help.
tell me something about the first crush you ever had?
A weird thing I do is that I always look on the road when I'm not the driver of the car, as if I was the driver of the car. No matter which seat I'm in; if I'm in the back seat I always sit very uncomfortably to be able to look out of the front. I also don't take in the beauty of the landscape or sleep or read, not even on long rides. I started doing this when I was a kid, I always was afraid of car rides when my dad was driving because he took his eyes off the road so much (probably wasn't even that bad but as a kid I thought he was gonna kill us all if he looked elsewhere for a second) and in my child brain I thought I could compensate that if I looked at the road instead. It became both a habit and kind of a superstition, and I'm not sure if it's healthy.
Im not a religious person... when i was a kid i used to go every sunday to the church with my parents.. i hated it.. i just wanted to stay home, sleep a little bit more and watch cartoons like other kids.. im 30 years old now.. and when im nervos (happens every day because im really nervous every day) i can hear in my head this church music that i used to hear in the church with my parents.. somehow it calms me down.. is that weird?
I confess that even now, after all these years, I still love the train wreck that is Twilight. I know it's not exactly the pinnacle of great writing, but I love it anyway.
I'll just whistle blow and confess. I had a teacher in elementary school who actually tutored me and gave me so much guides to pass the exam. Little that I know the question and answers were all the things in the exam. I got a perfect score in all my classes ( 8 classes). My conscience hits me often and I felt deeply that I didn't deserve to be an honors kid then because my tutor who is my teacher gave me all the answers to the exam. I didn't get in trouble for it though.... though my teacher then knows I have a crush on him and I was thinking that's probably the reason why. But it was really unfair to other kids like me who get a perfect score as well and get no aid (or maybe they did because I found out when I was in high school, five of us are receiving the same situation). But it was my guilt all throughout. When I moved in a different country and in my middle school days I'm not getting perfect scores anymore and that teacher isn't my tutor anymore. I have no tutor but I still get good grades though. and in High School when I took the SAT exam, I got a perfect score but even though I know I have no tutor or is not cheating, it always reminds me of that guilt I had as a kid. So after that I literally and purposely make one answer wrong for the sake of not having a perfect score because I know I don't deserve it so on my other college exam (ACT) I almost aced it with. Now though I'm applying for an MCAT and I know I'm more mature and a grown person but for some reason I still have a guilt and probably I'll more likely and purposely wrong an answer I know on the exam but I wanna get over that guilt I just don't know how...