my mind is in shambles, so im just gonna write away. A mind is a fragile thing. A slight influence triggers a butterfly effect. Language and learning. Set from the beginning and developing a conciousness. Dreams answer questions we didnt ask and didnt even need an answer to. A wild sea turns into a softly babbling brook; somtimes leaving us in confusion of what to do next. Dull words and empty conclusions. Its painfully obvious that some things are that irrelevant. Every trip through our thoughts costs us. Are you willing to pay the price or will you wait until the fatigue gnaws you away? Still. Try and find what is blocked away by emotion and culture. Making sense; in that regard is not important. Oh my, write down what thou think you know. A puzzle with no correlation creating a picture to blind who observes only. Time is fluid, try to hold it, but youll fail. Try to drink up and you wont notice it passed through you. And end is nigh, but im not sure how ready i am.
I was reading through the diary I wrote when I was seven when I found a badly drawn sketch of a spiky ball going towards someone's vulva. There were also other doodles of girls getting cut in half with scissors (physically impossible lol) and getting groped. I'm disappointed in my past self.
I confess: After 8 years, I still don't know if the word "brisingr" from the Eragon series is pronounced "briss-een-grr" or "briss-inn-jur"
Sometimes my old memories are so cringy, I feel like punching a wall because the cringy memory just won't get the fuck out of my mind.
When I was a kid, my elementary school had a talent show all students participated in, parents and relatives came to watch and the collected money was used to buy school supplies. However, there were different categories of talents, and since I used to do dancing as a hobby in a club after school anyways, I picked to be in the dancing group. Most students had never done this before, so the teacher training our group had every student do some moves to evaluate who is good enough to do which moves later in the show. I was very angry about the whole thing because I was assigned to be one of the background dancers who had only one move, and thought it was because the teacher hated me, because obviously I should've been one of the lead dancers since I had experience... 15 years later, I discovered that my parents had filmed a video of the show and I watched it. While doing so and seeing the dance moves the other kids did - even kids who had no dancing experience - and seeing myself being very mediocre even as a background dancer, I realized that I hadn't been picked because I simply sucked. Now, this sounds like a fun and maybe a bit sad childhood story, but honestly, it fucked me up a lot. I am now seeing my whole life differently and whatever I do, I always wonder if it isn't actually life or people treating me unfair, but if it's actually me just being bad at things.
Sometimes I wonder if their should be a reward for the most fk up being in earth for how many times they made poor decisions in life, like how you get a trophy for being talented and famous, etc. I mean by the numbers of times it happen. But that would be somewhat easy some people lived terribly lifes all there life it wouldn't mean anything I guess, just thought it be cool.
One day, my little brother will surpass me. but i will keep lerning, i will keep working, to make sure it wont be easy for him. That is my duty as a big bro, so he has to lern and work too. I wish the best for him. I may not be his strongest opponent, but once he will realize what i tought him, his future will be great. So here are my words for him: Dont let anyone get in your way. remember what i have tried to teach you. There are so many people that will hinder your progress, including your own blood; mother and father. You can always come to me for advice. Just dont let this cruel world manipulate you, theres is still hope, and most importantly: Happiness.
I did it. I told my sister that I used to cut myself. I'm still embarrassed but she didn't seem to judge me.
Everyday I always have to remind myself that children born in the year 2001 to 2008 are not infants, babies, and toddlers anymore. They have this personality I used to have. That I'm already 25 and no longer a teenager and is old and married to a guy I used to think of, as some boy who barely have a muscles and the little thing I carry everyday is my baby and the place I see everyday is my workplace not school. And the guy I stand to is my colleague not my teacher. That Lady Gaga is kinda irrelevant now and the IPhone 1 I had is considered vintage (even vintage with my flip phone) that it's 2018 and 2008 happened long time ago.
I dont like seeing some popular people from high school. They never change. Still an asshole! But looking at my life and knowing theirs. Ill be fine.. they wont harm me anymore i guess....