When I grew up and started to learn about pubic hair, I thought that it grew also ON the penis. I actually believed that for a really long time. I was already having my first boyfriend when it dawned on me that it might not be like this. I was imagining hairy penises all the time and was so grossed out by it
How do you actually heal from the past that has been done 10 years ago? And I'll just be frank I'm not really a forgiving person because I have kept grudge on something worst that hurt me the most emotionally and mentally. I shouldn't mention her name but what she did is horrible to me. One factor maybe why I have a long term depression, anxiety disorder and literal impaired past memories that hinders me to live my life. That girl Hearty I never forgotten. And someday I'll find a way to forgive her if I could just wish, life would give me a chance to talk to her again and ask her why she did that to me (why she bullied me, why she uses her authority as a class president and lead me to fail all of my classes and why the rest of the class also bullied me and pick on me and she exclude me from others all the time).. And honestly answers is the only way for me to heal. But if I can, I wish I could find a way to actually heal without the need of talking to her. I might just end up violent to this girl and I don't want that. SHe might have done really horrible things besides bullying me but it doesnt me she deserve the worst. I just wish I could forgive her seriously... Besides that, I wish I could also forgive the people that sexually abused me. My cousin (but again I don' want my mom and her sister to fight massively before) --> my cousin actually raped a woman and got her pregnant and my aunt never paid for the responsibility instead it was just a shame for the woman he raped. And the teacher that also mentally abused me causing conflicts with my family and why I was depressed a kid. Also that person that destroyed my book when I was 5th grade and I have to pay a lot of money (to him it was nothing because he's rich and I'm not). I hate that portion of my childhood.I know I have good memories but why THE FUCK I COULDN'T REMEMBER THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!? I always tell myself I serve for other but I COULDNT EVEN LOVE MYSELF!!!!! FUCK THESE PEOPLE!!!!
When I was in 5th grade these girls I went to school with and were the same age as me moved in next door. I wanted to be friends with them. But they liked my older sister more. And it pissed me off. My sister had friends of her own, why would she want to hang out with kids 4-6 years younger than her? I never had kids my age live close enough to play, and it pissed me off that my sister took that away from me. If it was just me, they probably would've hung out with me. But if they had my sister as an option, they'd pick her. And it sucked. Yes, I didn't like playing outside as much as they did. But I probably would've liked it better if I didn't feel like a second choice. Now we're all grown up and living our own lives. I haven't talked to them since high school. I'm not mad at my sister or the girls. I just realized they didn't like me how I am, and I can't change that. I never wanted to change. I'm still not very sociable and I don't have friends, but that's just how I am and I'm ok with it. The main reason I'm glad those girls moved in is that it gave me people to sit with on the bus and at lunch. I would've been a very lonely child if I had to make friends on my own. If my mom was able to, and if I knew this was an option, I would've begged to be homeschooled.
My room is right under the roof, and when I lie in my bed I can directly see through a high window at the stars. Throughout my whole childhood, I always could see a red dot in the sky. It was always there at night, even when it was cloudy. I thought it was a satellite, and I imagined it being MY satellite. With an astronaut inside who looks at me and makes sure I'm okay. Whenever I was sad and crying, I looked up to him and told him about my problems, pretended that he could hear me. Years later I realized that the satellite was actually the reflection of the small red light on my radio, which is always on when it's plugged in.
So when I was in HS i liked one of the more popular guys in my friend group and one night at a party, we fooled around very innocently nothing below the waist but a few grabs. We kinda got into a play relationship as a running joke and then the joke got awkward and then I ended up on the outs within our social circle because of unrelated gossip that I was accused of starting (didn't know the girl it was about btw so it wasnt me) anyhow throughout hs he would try to do that again but us not being in the same friend group made that difficult ..you know how hs is.. and then in college he kept at it we shot emails and texts and skyped and he was in my city several times but Id always go silent because I didn't want to be pathetic. We're still in touch though 11 years after that party and we're mutuals on SM and he's always DMing me and so like, we're grown and maybe now I feel okay with at least exploring casually? but its raises suspicion.. like why am i still on your radar? i think im remembering him as a 17 yr old and feeling like this is one elaborate 11 yr joke. he's really funny, naturally btw. in a ryan gosling meets tj miller meets jim carrey way.
The time when I transformed from a kid to a teenager was, when I look back at it, really cringey. I did so many inappropriate things. I made my barbie dolls have sex with each other, I humped my big stuffed animals like sex dolls, I still played to be a cat or a unicorn; talking to myself and running around on all fours and stuff; but I played to find a mating partner and then started humping furniture. The worst about it is, I was still young enough to not know when I was being watched, I sometimes thought my parents couldn't see or hear me just because I was behind the couch or so. So... I don't know if my parents maybe KNEW ALL THAT. Which is/would be fucking embarassing.
I feel like I'll always have pent up aggression towards my mother and there's nothing i can do about it. Granted she kinda deserves it, I mean what kind of mom tells her son that shes gonna pray for his death and then goes on living like nothing happened...
Sometimes i feel like my mom doesn't truly care about me. She just says she does because 'she's my mom'...
I'm like Forrest Gump but with Jenny's issues...
You fool, this isn't even my final form!