You asked me if I loved you. You were staring at my face and your fingers were digging into my cheeks. You were four times my age and were supposed to be in charge of me and my sister when my mom was at work. I suppose before all the bad things happened I might have loved you like a boy loves his aunt. You were not my aunt, but I once thought of you as one. But I had red marks on my upper arms from when you would pin me down to the mattress. And scratches on my hips from your artificial nails when you were frustrated and just wanted to take my pants off. I would flinch and my heart would sink with sheer terror every time it looked like you were reaching to grab my pillow. I was always always always afraid that you would suffocate me with it like you did when this all started. I was afraid you would kill me like that. I knew you as a violent person. I don't believe you showed that side of yourself to many people. But you showed it to me and now I'm always afraid. I was afraid then and I'm afraid now. Did I love you? I didn't know what you would do to me if I made you unhappy so I sobbed and stuttered a small, trembling "Yes." And you smiled. I don't remember a lot of the things I said at that age. None of it really mattered. But I always remember that one word and it hurts every time. My mom thinks the whole thing is really hilarious. I know you're on the phone with her a lot and I know you talk to her about me. I know you convinced her that I'm a delusional attention seeking liar. But you and I both know it happened and I hope that one day it haunts you like it haunts me.
When I was a kid, my sister's best friend (two years older) who I had a crush on once grabbed my pussy. I told her to stop, which she did, but the truth is that I liked it. I only told her to stop because I was embarrassed and knew that I wasn't supposed to let people touch me like that. I don't know why she did it, though. I don't think she knew how I felt about her.
I've read up on coalcoholism, and everything I've read describes and explains my family conditions. Now I've got proof that my whole family is living a huge lie, which I already feared. The leaflet explained everything in painful detail, from why familiar interaction seems like a bad sitcom, to my own declining mental health. It had physically hurt to read that. While I often reference Lovecraft, only now I know how forbidden knowledge feels like.
i feel bad for bill cosby, i cried for him. I saw his picture from jail and i saw sadness and a lostness in his eyes. I can't say whether or not i really believe he did all that. of course if he did he should be in jail and those women deserve justice but still its all a tragedy. I am a victim of child sex abuse, by my own father, when they investigated i had complcated feelings about cooperating with law enforcement. i was still a minor when i told my therapist who reported him. my dad denied it (he used to do it when i was asleep .. he even gave me alcohol at 11 so i'd pass out and i wouldn 't be able to tell what happened) I lost my freaking mind due to stress from the silence and being away at a prep school during junior year (college application pressures) my dad was no help in fact he turned my own family against me, he refused to pay for college so i didn't go. I lost all my friends cause they were moving on, I even was reduced to sleeping with men for money because I wasn't allowed to eat any of the food in our house, I couldn't find a job because my self esteem was too low to acknowledge any skills I had, I lost my faith in God. I met ppl in that time who seemed angelic, who loved me when i was a shameful embarassing weak person! I am going back to school this week! i have a full time job with benefits that ive been at for 2 years. I have savings I have credit I have someone waiting at home for me, I have friends! i have my mother and my siblings back! and my nieces and nephews...God came back into my life and made so many changes that i waited for for ten years, all along the way people put me down and took advantage of me, they made fun of my situation, they laughed and convinced me nothing would change. especially my own father. Anyway someone prayed for me the entire time even when ididn't believe, and i wasn't happy with myself and made bad choices. I hope God can do the same for my dad. I honestly think someone molested him as a boy too. and I just have compassion for the victims and bill because who knows what is on his soul that he would ever even need to commit such vile acts to derive pleasure out of life. and if he is innocent?! imagine the turmoil in his soul to be outcast and shamed and mocked humiliated and stripped of everything u know u are... Sin is so sad. Look what it does to all of us and our families and our communities and the world and those that look up to us, rely on us. It's made me take a took at myself...not miscount all the little ways that i can be contributing to very big heartbreaks that affect everyone with even the smallest acts of ego and selfishness. I hope everyone can just be more loving and not persecute each other. Look at each other and see the children we all once were, who had dreams of being something better. that's what we are.
Parents: *constantly minimize and downplay every single thing I'm proud of and every single thing I worry about* Also parents: "Maybe you might not be so depressed if you wouldn't downplay all of your accomplishments :/ " I don't understand how they can always tell me that none of my problems are important enough, that none of my efforts are good enough, that I am only mediocre in every way, for my entire life, and then wonder why I don't feel like I've done anything noteworthy, like nothing I've accomplished is worth mentioning, like none of my issues are significant enough to talk about. I don't understand why they constantly tell me I'm not good enough, and then wonder why I don't think I'm good enough.
I remember a time when I was little that I awoke one day and said "I'm alive!" and ran to my mother who was still sleeping and woke her up by repeating "I'm alive! I'm alive!" So, I wonder why was I thinking that. Was I a spirit of another person who wanted a second chance at life and found this body that I have and im acctully possessing this body and living someone else life?
Anyone else a late 90s-ish baby that still hasn’t seen and doesn’t really care for high school musical 3 but loved the previous two?
I think it was my older sister who messed me up as a small child. She experimented with me sexually, allowing me to look at and feel her breasts and butt. I think she tried to get me to do things to her vag too, but I wasn't interested at that young age, although I enjoyed the former. Now I think I have a fetish towards relatives, including my older sister and my cousins. Is this something that I can get rid of? It sucks being attracted to these people because I can never risk acting on it.
As a young lad, i had a power only a few boys my age had. I attracted older girls, in a way that was illegal when you think about it. The sad part is that i never properly used what god gifted me with. I was, like i am today, too dense to realize. looking back at it now, its kinda funny, but i cant say i have no regrets. Man, i should have used my chance when i had it.
when I was younger I wanted to be spiderman, but as I grew up that quickly changed. for so long i could never imagine being the good guy. i much prefer the idea of being the bad guy. I find beauty in chaos as well as peace. A city on fire with a red sky beautiful. the night sky with lot of stars beautiful. I dont know what that means about me. I feel it should mean something.