My brother and I were raised by my single mother. I treated them to dinner at a restaurant and a song came up that brought my childhood memories back. I used to hear my dad sing to me while I slept on his chest. It made my eyes water hearing that song especially I haven't heard that song since I was a child. I miss him. Not him but the father I thought he was until I grew up piecing all the puzzle pieces together.
When I was in high school, I knew a girl named Heather. One year she cut her hair short, started wearing men's clothes, stopped shaving, etc. and she said multiple times "I am a gay man." At that point in my life, I didn't know what transgender people were. So I thought she was joking, or meant that she wished she was a gay man, or that she meant she was just flamboyant like the stereotypical gay dude. I never once called her "he" or used the male name she gave herself (I forget now what it even is). So, classmate, if you're out there, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I regret these actions with every fiber of my being. I'm sorry that, in my ignorance, I pushed you away and hurt you and lost the friendship we had before we could become real friends, and not just "at school" friends. I hope you're doing well and I wish you the best.
When I was a kid, I was on this camp, and I shared a cabin with my sister and her friend, who were a bit older than me. One time, some boys tried to come inside, though they didn't succeed. My roommates then called them "perverts" (in hindsight, I'd say that was quite an exaggeration...) and some other words in the same effect. Because I was young, I didn't know what those words meant, so I assumed they were some of those general insults that don't mean anything in particular. A few days later when I was back home, I got mad at my mom and guess what? I called her all the things I had heard my sister and her friend say. She was pretty much flabbergasted and from her reaction I inferred that I had, once again, used a word incorrectly. And imagine how embarrassed I felt later when I told my friend about it and she explained what "pervert" actually means. Heck, I'm still embarrassed even though it's been like ten years. Which is why I'm writing this here. But I'm sure mom and others who heard it probably wrote it off as "children are weird" or something. I hope so, at least.
I'm really worried about my mom. Or I should say I always am. My dad was her kindergarten sweetheart but it ended really bad... I grew up without him. He ended up cheating on my mom. And now that I'm all grown-22 years old I finally told her that I don't want my brother and I to be her barrier. That we are ok if she finds a boyfriend. She says no because I know she's really hurt from my dad. I hope a good man happens to all the sudden show up into her life and show her that not all men are like my dad. I really think she gave up.
Oh you're a savage alright, just not a super one.
When I was eleven I used to be friends with my neighbour. She was 16. I don't know why she was okay with being friends with someone so much younger than her, but I liked her because she was cool and pretty. Then one day we were alone by the neighbourhood clubhouse. She grabbed my arms and pinned them against the wall and started to kiss me. I had never kissed anyone before, and this was completely unexpected, so I freaked out. When she tried to put her tongue inside my mouth I gagged and pushed her away because I was scared and confused. She became angry and insulted me pretty viciously, which only upset and confused me even more. She never hung out with me after that. We never talked to each other since that day. But I wonder if she actually liked me as a friend or if she just became close to me so that she could assault me like that.
I want to know if this is child sexual abuse. The first time I ever masturbated, I was 13 and under the covers of my bed. My mom came into my room to put laundry away. She looked at me and asked me what I was doing. When I didn't answer, she threw the bed sheets off of me and saw what I had been doing. She was furious to say the least, and slapped me across the face. She grabbed my arm and walked me down the stairs and into my dad's office where she made me show him the stuff on my hand. I was grounded on the spot, but it didn't end there. My parents told all our relatives what I'd done, and they all shamed me and made fun of me for months. And although I now realize that for the most part, they were joking, that still severely impacted me. I mean, how would you feel if you were thirteen and had grown-ups laughing at you and telling you that you were deviant and perverse for doing something that you didn't even fully understand yet. For years I was terrified of masturbating and saw it as an evil, sick, perverted thing to do. I'm 19 now, and when I get an erection there's a strong pain of guilt and shame in my stomach that prevents me from ever touching myself sexually. I can't have sex. I think I'm asexual or something. But I don't think I'd be this way if that didn't happen to me. So, was that child sexual abuse? Or just an unfortunate event?
The biggest lie I was ever told is that acne is just for teenagers. It never goes away, it continues into adulthood.
My cousin who was 17 used to make me strip naked when I was 12 and we were alone. He used to grab my penis and make me watch him masturbate. He then encouraged me to molest my sister, and I did it because I was afraid of what he would do to me if I didn't. Then he raped me. Just once. Years ago. But I feel like a waste of life and I want to commit suicide.
Confession: i loved medicine because in the airplane a guy got some heart problems. The flight attendant called who are involved in medicine and health related fields. My Dad was a surgeon so he came up there rushing. I watched the whole thing happened (traumatized a bit but amazed more). The nurses and some doctors help out the guy but my dad does most work there. Then we emergency landed to portugal that time saving the old man alive. Thats when i decided I want to be like my dad. But as i grow older that expectation gets harder to achieve the more i open my eyes to reality though. Honestly i get sad not pursuing that memory but id make my own memory for myself where someday my children would remember what good i do too. But they said Im still 19. And that time my dad was 57 and i was 8 then. I guess we have plenty of time in life right? But then opinion wise i always think that surgeons are prestige slave heroes. Cuz theyre slave in time as higher education they pursue but those years all they do is to pursue a degree about saving a life. Man i cant be that ...now i saw how i want to see myself someday. Man life i hard... its really hard. Its harder than dying... but you see that "i see 7 bilion people in this world" thing. Instead of thinking i want to die because theres 7 billion in this world, id live along with 7 billion people. Just watch their thing while i pursue my own thing. I mean if id be positive, theres this woman who fold clothes and she does it for others. Thats a service too id fold clothes for people and get paid *not being sarcastic*. They said as long as we live we do stuff. "We shit then we bathe", some crazy dude told me once but its true!( we make mistakes but we want we can clean and fix the mess). Life is hard but amazing...