Tomorrow ill have my first day at my new job.. im nervous as fuck
I draw a lot of people and it’s no problem but I notice when it comes to my stepbrother and stepsister it is a problem because I never ever know what color to use for there eyes. I guess the closest color is “blue” but its not like any blue you’re thinking of. It’s like dark dark dark blue. Like imagine blue and black and mixed up together. Every person with blue eyes that i’ve seen before has eyes that are light blue like the sky during the day but for some reason my stepbrother and stepsister have eyes that are blue like the sky during the night. Every person thinks at first that the two of them have brown eyes but you have to look close to see that it’s actually blue. i am actually jealous because my eyes are so boring in comparison.
Yesterday I had a poop so big it wouldn't flush. I flushed twice and it just wouldn't go down. I probably could blame the low flow toilets, but that was honestly the King Kong of turds. One of those where my belly hurt so much before and instantly felt better. The janitor came in right after I left. I'm sorry Willy, I didn't know what to do. But I went back later and the out of order sign wasn't on the stall so it must've went down somehow. There were a couple of other girls who left the bathroom at the same time as me so hopefully he doesn't know which one of us left that surprise.
I have a list of research, labs, volunteers, clubs, and class plans but really, my mind wants is to get treatment for my mental health. I wanna just be in a hospital and have a learning time for why im feeling crappy... metaphorically speaking, i feel like my strings are tied up to a hand clock that keeps moving and i have to be dragged along with it or else id be dragged onto an cemented ground and my ass just get bruised up. I dont know when to feel like those string are cut off or when doesthat time freezes while i take time to breath.... im fucking tired of life and the carried expectations i brought up to myself because i chose a career that i love yet super demanding... im happy at the same time im not.... mostly im empty and tired... what is life???
I've been so deprived from male attention/interaction that I've had these two mini crushes on my two male co-workers - and they're not even my "type". They're good people, just not anyone I would ever in my right mind actually, romantically like. I think my brain is clouding over with desperation. I need help.
My work environment is incredibly toxic. My manager and boss are driving everyone insane. I want to quit, but I need the income and don't really have the time to look for another job. I plan to save up and quit in a month or two tops, but staying positive and energized while being there is impossible and its getting to me. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and just quit now, but that wouldn't be smart
People are fucking ridiculous today. If you rant and scream and cuss at me, I'm done helping you. I've told you everything I can do, screaming at me isn't solving anything. I don't give a damn how smart you say you are. I don't give a damn what you do for a living because it sure as hell isn't relevant here. I don't care. I don't even care about your lawyers because what you're ranting about isn't worth the legal fees. You are just a loud jackass and I hope you get explosive diarrhea. I hope you piss off someone and they slip an extra strength laxative in your food.
Taking job interview calls from my cubicle this week. Dick move? Maybe. But there are three types of people in this world. Dicks, pussies, and assholes. I'm done being a pussy. Fuck these assholes.
I currently hate my work so much that I cry literally every day. I don't know how to make it through the next hour, let alone next few months. The thing is, I'll only be here for the next few months. Then I'll be referred to the workplace I actually want to work at, so it wouldn't make any sense to quit. I already tried everything, I tried negotiating with my boss, tried to talk to my co-workers about the things that are bugging me, but there's no point. Things are as they are. I can't even take my holiday leave or a sick leave during those months, because then I'd risk losing the position. I have to sit through it. Somehow.
Remodeling houses and building things is so much fun. I'm doing my first project right now- adding a door to my basement- and it's just making me want to renovate more stuff. I really like it. It's so fun watching things just... slowly appear. Like beans turn into walls within seconds once you slap on the drywall. It's awesome.