Taking job interview calls from my cubicle this week. Dick move? Maybe. But there are three types of people in this world. Dicks, pussies, and assholes. I'm done being a pussy. Fuck these assholes.
I currently hate my work so much that I cry literally every day. I don't know how to make it through the next hour, let alone next few months. The thing is, I'll only be here for the next few months. Then I'll be referred to the workplace I actually want to work at, so it wouldn't make any sense to quit. I already tried everything, I tried negotiating with my boss, tried to talk to my co-workers about the things that are bugging me, but there's no point. Things are as they are. I can't even take my holiday leave or a sick leave during those months, because then I'd risk losing the position. I have to sit through it. Somehow.
Remodeling houses and building things is so much fun. I'm doing my first project right now- adding a door to my basement- and it's just making me want to renovate more stuff. I really like it. It's so fun watching things just... slowly appear. Like beans turn into walls within seconds once you slap on the drywall. It's awesome.
I'm so fed up with today. Can I not just have one day where stupid customers don't piss me off? I already didn't want to be here because my stomach hurt and I was a little nauseous but it wasn't bad enough to stay home. I hate my job.
I get very frank with people and It's hard for me to be serious.. Not sure why.... So when I was presenting my ideas, I keep saying jokes to people out of no where. They're not like a toxic or offensive joke. People laugh but I feel bad because I feel like I'm not professional...
I work at a union factory job. I like it there. And as a hobby, I do art on the side. The people at work have found out about this, and now every time some art-related event comes up... 10 different people feel the need to tell me about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that they think I'm actually good at art (I'm not) and it's nice of them to tell me about things they think I'll be interested in... but this also leads to me getting roped in to doing things I don't really want to do. For example: one of our beloved employees is retiring this month after 30 some odd years of service to our company. And they asked me to draw her a kind of poster for everyone to sign. I say "asked", but really, they just assumed I'd do it and told me to. And I love her to death and I'm happy to make something for her, but they only gave me two weeks' notice for an 18" x 24" piece, and I work all week, so I only have weekends to work on it, and last weekend something more urgent came up. So I now have to get this project done in two days. I hate this. I hate the pressure on me. I hate knowing that every person in my building will see this drawing and be analyzing and judging it. I hate that I didn't even get to decide what to draw, my mom completely commandeered the project; I'm just the pen and she's the author. (My mom works with me at this place.) So I'm not very passionate about this piece because it's not what I want to do. I feel like my creativity is being stifled. I hate that I'm just a machine to bring other people's ideas to life because they can't get it out on paper. I hate that my own ideas drown in the sea of other people telling me what to do, not just in art, but in life in general. I just hate it.
I've had days lately where I wish I could just call out from work for the day. It's just, I hate my job some days. I hate the pressure. I hate being yelled at by mean customers. The anxiety and depression is getting to me. I'm having one of those days now. But I can't afford to lose hours on my check. I just want to cry and not get ready for work. My supervisor doesn't know I have issues with anxiety and depression so I'd have to tell her if I call out.
There's this guy that I like, all because he has a fierce eyes. His eyes look like a mountain lion's eyes in the sun. I took a pic of him in black and white filter once which he likes. Somehow his eyes were like diamonds and I like the fact that he looks like a vampire. I think it is sexy. Personality wise, he's a bit awkward but he's chill and intellectual and he gets my curiosity in terms of everything and also is easy going and likes adventures. He's not muscular and all but he's descent and I like him a lot. But he's my closest friend and colleague at work especially its an academic setting. I can't really date him though....
I have to get my boss off my head. She's 42 but damn she is looking great! She works out a ton (I know that because she talks about gym all the time) and takes very good care of her skin and hair and all that. And I can't get her off my head, I'm going crazy!
Today i woke up pretty early and got an appointment for my job interview, which i am really exited and really nervous about. for a change, i made breakfast. not only was it relatively healthy for a change, but it was also quite good, plus i didnt made a mess out of the kitchen like i usually do when i cook. And on top of all that, when i looked out of my open window, i saw big fluffy flakes of snow falling from the sky. And this made me think. Maybe this will be the change i so desperatly needed in my life. I often got told that i would have depression, and that i need help. But i know for a fact, that thats not true. You cant cure depression, but you can cure a shitty life, and i may have found the remedy. I still got a bit of time before i have to start my old job for the last few months this year again. So i can get my drivers license, get the job for september, and finish a piece of work i started last year. This is the first time i can say this is it without suicidal intend.