Sometimes I hate working night shift. All I want right now is to go outside and take my dog for a walk so we can enjoy the sun. But if I don't go back to sleep right now, I'm not going to have enough energy to work tonight. I don't know how other people do this :(
I try to be as mentally sound as possible. I know that I am slightly off, but know how to be silent, help people, and have nice and light conversations, when I can, with people I know and strangers (not speaking too much but with indepth opinions and some humorous interactions). Yet, it seems that when it comes to the workplace or even when I was in college, I would have one or more people that would be crass or negative towards me. They would make negative remarks, and choose not to like me, even if I haven't done anything to them. (If there was a reason for someone to be against me, I would completely understand, and own up to it.) I am working at a place now, three supervisors involved; there is one supervisor that acts that way towards me and other people, because that is her personality. There is another woman at my workplace that is indirectly negative and another that makes subtle insulting remarks. They come after me differently and negatively, because they think I am an easy target. I could easily go to HR, yet I always have taken the high road. Sometimes I want to curse them out and ENJOY the consequences, because that is how much I don't give a fuck. So, I'll wait for that day. I don't give a shit if I get fired, I don't get paid enough, for people to act like that towards me. (That "stooping to their level", pep talk won't work with me. I've witnessed uppermanagement not do anything but a slap on the wrist and then that person goes to person he/she had been treating wrong a lot worse. I'll let the person have it. H.R. can take a break.)
I applied for a job and have an interview today. I just read my application again, just as a preparation, and noticed something that makes me really nervous: I've studied at university the last 2 years, but I'm not finishing it and am not going to get a degree (which is why I'm applying for that job, which is in a totally different field). But in my application, I somehow not only missed to mention that, I also made it look like I already have that degree. I have no idea why I phrased things like I did when I wrote this. To be honest, I was surprised to even get an interview although not finishing uni, and now I think the only reason they invited me was because they thought I have a degree. Now my chances are probably around zero, because they'll either think I lied on purpose, or I'll be so nervous about the explaining (I hate awkward moments) that I will screw the whole interview up. I am so afraid, I can't breathe.
Today is officially the day where I say I hate my job. I have been here for 3 years. I have a co-worker that's been here for 2. We have the same position except I'm full time and she isn't. If I even so much as show up exactly on time instead of early I get in trouble. She constantly breaks rules and nobody cares. The level of favoritism in this place drives me insane. Just because she's 54 and I'm 22 they give her more credit even though she doesn't work 99% of the time when she's here. She also just got interviewed for a manager position. she doesn't even know how to use a cash register correctly. I get treated like I'm lazy and worthless all the time just because I'm the only one that's young and everyone else isn't.
I hate when I'm trying to explain to a customer why I can't do what they want me to do and they say "I don't care! This is what's going to happen" and just start ranting at me. No, what you want to happen is not going to happen and I'm trying to tell you exactly why. I could tell you "that's just the way it is", but that's more likely to cause an argument. I'm sorry you don't like this policy, but it's standard. Ranting at me is not going to change anything. This policy should've been told to you when you did the transaction and it's the exact same policy every time. Accept what I've told you and move on, or don't. But regardless of which way you handle this, the policy is not going to change. I don't like to sound that cold, but if someone is rude and screaming at me I have to be firm or they'll walk all over me. Yell at me all you want, but the more you yell at me, the less likely I am to go an extra mile for you.
I don't draw much provocative stuff unless I'm asked to, but whenever I do draw it (either for myself or others), I enjoy it. I really like drawing suggestive things- not straight porn, really- and wish I had more reasons to draw it. It's kinda just... fun.
I wanted to express myself in a weirdest, scariest, and erotic possible way. I paint it but my emotions were so intense that I punched the canvas. I feel like im on drugs but I'm not just the binaural beat working oddly to me and the after effects is weird and that it's still there and it's 10 minutes since after I listened straight for 3 hours. The beat WORKED well.
My dad is always putting me and my family down when we try to do something. i mean anything that we try to learn or get into like a sport, activity or profession, he is there to ridicule and make us feel bad. i don't know why he is so toxic and evil, there is no reason for him to do this. and since i was raised like this, i never noticed, until i got older and made friends, and realized how their fathers treat them with encouragement, respect and support. that's why they are good athletes, that's why they have friends and are starting successful carreers as young adults. it blew my mind. that's why for about 6 months now i pretended that he died, i only say ''good day'' and ''good night'' for him, and i answer him with ''yes'' or ''no''. i stay away from any form of conversation and most importantly, i am keeping my hobbies, my sport and my dreams a complete secret from him, and unfortunately i have to do the same with my mother because naturally she would tell him about it, and he would be there to ridicule me. all my life he was always there to plant insecurity, self doubt and fear on my mind. it hurts so much that i didn't realize what he was doing sooner. i allowed him to ruin my life by listening to his shit opinions. i was 20 when i realized what he was doing, i could have been a athlete or a artist or so much more, all i had to do was pretend that he died. i'm 22 now and now that i'm free from his toxicity i am discovering new passions, new hobbies and activities and friends, i feel like i might even meet a girl and fall in love. i am so happy that i broke free, but it still saddens me how many years i lost because of him. no more. he can't reach me no more, he can't do anything to me now. he is dead in my mind and will be forever.
Look. I'm capable of waking up to an alarm most of the time. But when someone tells me they're gonna wake me up at a certain time, I don't bother setting an alarm. Now, if you tell me you're gonna wake me up at 7:30, your ass better not be back here at fucking 8:00 because you "lost track of time". If you don't want to watch the fucking clock, don't make a promise to wake someone up at a certain time. Now I don't have time to shower before work- again.
I'm soo tired I wanna sleep but I can't. I dont even know why I chose this profession. It's very work intensive and requires a lot of deadlines not to mention to many projects at the same time. I've been sick lately and even infected my boss manager (I just sneezed and because of my runny nose). I wanted this challenge but I'm not that zombie enough to sacrifice rest. My only legit break is our one hour lunch. I feel grateful for the mental challenge and self-training though. Still the body cannot keep up. How to increase human energy?