I felt my heart beating hard for I'm assuming anxiety. I tried closing my eyes, breathing deeply, and it just made it worse. I started crying and I can't explain why. I'm at work so I'm limited to what relaxation techniques I can use without drawing attention.
I can't stand the fact, that I think about money so much. I think about what bills I have to pay. I think about how much money I have left. I think about, if I have enough to last for food and gas. I get upset that I owe money, and can't figure out ways to make money faster, without sacrificing money, to see if what I am doing will work or fail. I hate the fact, that when you take a risk with money, it may cause financial struggle. I am thinking about that money is green, how green is associated with GO, and I don't have enough to go anywhere right now. It bothers me, that "I SEE DEAD PEOPLE".....on money. I can't stand that I don't understand money, except the fact that I need it, to pay bills. I get upset, that I remember how my mother would say, "I don't have any money", and felt that I needed to make money to give to her, so she could have it, and never say that phrase again. I hate how not having enough money kills people. I hate how money can cause people to kill themselves. I can't stand the fact that there are people with a lot of money, and some of them still aren't happy; that just makes me wonder, "What's the point in having it?" I hate that we struggle for money, or at least I do. I hate the phrase. "money isn't everything", but to a bill collector, that phrase is a fallacy. I struggle with the thought that so many of us need money; that money is a pain when you don't have enough. I hear people say that money is a state of mind, but when you need it desperately, your mind is out of state. There are moments I want to give up money. It is a drug that a lot of us take, and don't want to believe it is a voluntary/ involuntary addiction. If I could, I would quit money. I would stop paying bills, get kicked out of my apartment, and just see how long I can survive. But, I'm too scared to do it. I am curious, who out there is surviving without money. Who is living happy, peacefully, and money is no longer an item that they possess. I am not just talking about the bills and coins, I mean no monetary exchange, whatsoever. I don't mean people of a religious practice (people living temple or monestary lives, though I commend their committment), I mean someone who said, "this is the last piece of money, credit card, gift card, check, money order or etc. I will ever use again. (I am not talking about children or people living off of other people's money [mom, dad, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, SSI, etc.]). WHO DID IT! I want to know who did! If you did...TEACH ME! If it is safe and legal, I want to know.
At work we have a costume contest every year on Halloween. This year, I convinced everyone in my work area to dress up as one of our coworkers (my boyfriend) as a prank, because he has a very unique, recognizable look. I know it's not really that exciting and we probably won't win the contest, but I think it's hilarious and I am honestly so excited to see the look on his face when he sees that everyone in our area looks like him. It's been so hard keeping this a secret for over a month!
I have a crush on my professor and I actually like him. But he's also my research mentor and I love to keep the professionalism between us. He doesn't know I like him and I love to keep it that way. But its really hard for me to focus. I like to work with him because I do learn so much about research and his interest is the same as the field I have (plus he's the only professor that focuses on a particular field I have) but its hard for me to focus. I feel like changing my mentor but I can't anymore because its finalized. I also can't drop out of his class because its already the middle of the semester and its too late. I guess I just have to bear with it. It honestly feels weird that I have to keep the adult in me stronger and less likely to express back when I was a teenager (I did have a crush on my teachers but its nothing like this one).Its like in adulthood, you have to settle your emotions and be more rational.
my friends never have money to go out. my friends aren't awake now 10:21am. My friends don't go to work. I'm not judging them I was there once, but I want more... all the guys I have ever found myself attracted to have more going on, they want to date women with more going on. I finally got off my lazy ass after college at like 23 (well actually I also had mental health/trauma from CSA) pulled it together got a job, got a job in my field with decent benefits by 24, now i"m 25, i want a better job where there is more of a work /life balance and I'm better compensated. I used to not want a family because I was scared and insecure and didn't want build a family off of that. but I've grown a lot personally and have been seeing a man for a year that makes me REALLY want a family. He wants more for himself, I want more for me. He also gets my period of mental breakdown because he had an addict for a father and that contributed to his. he has a really good circle of friends... Men that are building him up into a more mature self reliant man, who still has a soul and still believes in being good. My friends take me back to my old life, old way of thinking and old ways of functioning. I need a support system but they're only available at weird hours (4pm-3am) because of the kinds of times they go to bed... They prioritize guys they aren't even WITH over our friendship (calling these men their best friends YUCK while they have a gf who they always prioritize ) it doesn't make sense!!! i'm not hating on them, thats their path... but i'm upset that our friendship feels so shallow... iwant REAL friends, who aren't involved in drama and don't think ruining other peoples relationships, sapping on their strength, riding other peoples egos is COOL. my sister is married, her husband is so decent and their friends are really warm authentic people. I don't envy my sisters life. But I wish I had a support system that built me up as much as I see my boyfriend and my sister being uplifted. I can't put that all on my boyfriend. he's great but he's got his own problems... I just wish I had better friends that's all... this sounds so scattered because i'm frustrated about a myriad of things with my 'friends'. I have the option of weekends off at my job but I work through them to stay out of trouble, I also work in the evening to stay out of trouble. But I'm looking for a better gig as I've said, and I'm worried that without a support system of HEALTHY people, not having THIS job, will make me spiral. Where could I meet some normal healthy girls to be friends with...
Someone at my job, encouraged me to learn French again.
would you sell your soul to become famous?
Z you are driving me crazy, I know it's more than just flirting but the situation makes it double, if not triple difficult to make any move. I want you so bad.
Been married for 10 years, things have been bad for the last 2 years and seem to be getting worse. I have a crush on a hot younger co-worker that always flirts with me and told me she'd never thought she'd want to date a married man till she met me. I know I should be focusing on fixing my marriage but shes so damn hot I can't get her out of my mind.
I work in a call center with projects for four different companies. My project is closing in 2 months so they're moving us to different projects. Only 2 are hiring, and the one I really wanted already has a full list for their classes. The list was full before I was even told what's going on. I feel cheated. It's not my fault my shift starts 3 hours later than others, or that no one flagged me down as soon as I came in. I might just move to the other call center in town.