M/20. At first i was going to write about all my problems. but then i relised at the moment the only thing thats really troubling me is the death of my grandfather. true, we werent that close, but it seems to me like we are more similar than me and my father. Our taste in instruments, the need to create, alcohol (which is a very touchy subject because of alcoholism), and in general the way we handly things; being short fused in terms of what nonsense other people talk about. And most importantly the way he died. The main reason was a car accident, but how it happened is still a riddle for me, my family, and even the police. He could have passed out on his motorcycle because of the heat (which i dont like very much either, i hate summer and sunshine), or he commited suicide by driving into the oncoming traffic (which is a thing i would most likely do too) because he had a tumor in his heart, throat and lung i think. But in the end, i dont really care how he died. the decision was up to him. And now, every once in a while, i think about what kind of person he was, and as mentioned, how similiar we are. We drink, we make, we hate. and in the end, we are going to die the same way. leaving slightly different stories behind. And now i am left behind making his tombstone, because i follow his footsteps in some kind of way. and i cry.
Please don't reject me. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. Please don't say no.. :|
When I was still in school, I had a lot of sick days because I needed a break from it all a lot. Sometimes I'd fake an illness, sometimes I exaggerated a light cold, I always stayed home as long as the doctor wrote me my sick note even if I felt better sooner. I just needed a break every month, every two months, depending on how bad the year was. I always thought this was quite okay, I had very good grades and as long as I didn't get behind or missed tests, I thought that school wasn't so important that I should put my mental health in second place for it. I always believed that I just needed those breaks because i hate the school system, how you have to learn things you don't want to learn, and that it would become much better when I finally had a job I love. Well, now I'm out of school and have had a job for only 6 weeks. I do love it, but I already need a break. I'm currently at home because my doctor wrote me a sick note for 2 weeks even though I felt bad for only one, but I'm taking the full 2 weeks. I feel like garbage for doing this, but at the same time I feel like I'd collapse if I went back to work. The reason why I went home was that I did have a break down because it became too much for me. After only six weeks. Not because the job is so stressful, it's just that doing anything at all is stressful for me. I have no idea how I'm supposed to be able to ever have a life if I need a break so often. I know I have to become stronger, but how?
I wonder if you know that half these Taylor Swift songs you catch me singing along to are the ones that make me think of you.
At work, my crush hung his jacket next to mine. It kept getting in my way while I was working though, so I just moved it over and put it on the same hook as mine. So our jackets were touching all night, and now my jacket faintly smells like him. I didn't intend for that to happen, but my confession is that I'm glad it did. I love the way he smells. I wish we were dating and I could just wear one of his jackets, but for now I guess this is close enough. Someday I'll be brave enough to ask him out, and if I'm lucky, this small wish will come true haha
It annoys me when I see the divider meant to separate rolls of toilet paper moved so people use the new roll before using up the half empty one. Paper from a half empty roll wipes your ass just as good as paper from a full roll. Eventually, both rolls will get low. And if both rolls run out before the janitor comes in to refill it, you're screwed if you take that stall. How about we use up what we have first, then switch to the new roll when we need to so the janitors can have time to come back through? Seriously people. The old roll won't bite.
I don't get the purpose of basic calculators. They're useless. It's not even allowed back when I was in elementary or middle school. Then high school and college came and I use scientific calculators now and has a greater investment. Graphing calculators too... Just saying....
Any artists out there? lack of inspiration here
I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through life. Every day I wake up and then I'm just laying there, trying to gather the will and courage to get up and go to work. It's especially hard on Mondays, where I often am so miserable and afraid that I want to cry (I'm just too tired to do so). Then it's 8 hours of frequently looking at the clock and almost getting a break down because time passes so slowly. The only days that feel worth living are weekends. I know that some of you will tell me to get a new job, but it's not my job that sucks, not that itself. At least I think so; I can't imagine doing something else for a living. What really makes me so miserable is the whole human interaction connected with it. The pressure of not screwing up, of not looking stupid, interacting with bosses (which all of my colleagues are because I'm the newest). I seem to lack the natural understanding of what is appropriate and what is not, so I often get myself into awkward situations. I really hope that this will fade when the years pass, that I will become more experienced and therefore less afraid. But until then, every day will be torture.
Every time our hands brush, I can feel the electricity rushing into me like I'm being brought back to life. Every time you stand just a little too close, I feel your heat pulling me in like a magnet, begging me to wrap my arms around you. Anytime we work side by side, I see us operating like clockwork, moving in perfect, delicate harmony effortlessly and speechlessly. Loving you feels so natural, so right, like all the pieces are falling into place. Do you feel the same? Do you feel the exciting tension between us? Or am I imagining it?