Well i like a man who's married. Im very irritated that I cant let go. Well I distance myself from him to avoid jeopardizing his relationship to his wife. I adviced him to not pursue a relationship with me at all even though he knows it was hard between us .... I told him to just be friends with me and move on. So yeah im was single on valentines day... but im imagining somehow how he was treating his wife right now... oddly im thinking of their nice date...
The kine is faint, but I think we're finally pregnant. Is Ethan a good name for a boy?
I should kill myself, I don't care about nothing or anyone
I'm very self conscious about certain parts of my body. I feel awkward just saying it, but specifically about my vagina and just my privates in general. It's just not . . nice enough looking to me. I really can't even watch porn without comparing myself to the women, cause my goods do NOT look like that. I mean, it's nothing abnormal. It's just some darker skin and not looking so smooth and just ugh. My friends think I'm weird for wanting to wax and bleach and whatever down there . . . but is it really weird? Don't people do that all the time? It can't be that bad. Yeah, the bleaching aspect sounds iffy but I'm willing to try anything honestly.
This might sound dumb to some people, but I literally do not know what race I am or what to identify as. I'm Latina (which is not a race) and don't know where I fall in the spectrum. Am I white? Am I black? What am I? It's the worst when I have to fill out some paper-work and it asks for race. I never know what to put.
I'm always naked, and I'm not changing for anything
I called the police on my abusive mother and I was the one that ended up getting arrested. I had cried a lot earlier in the day so when the police showed up I was very emotionless and apathetic, not at all how you would expect an abused child to be acting. Which is why they immediately took my mom's side. She told them lies. She only told them that I hit her, not that I hit her in self defense. She told them that I pushed her and broke the curtain, not that I pushed her and broke the curtain because she had me up against the wall with her hands on my face. She didn't tell them that I had a video of her abusing me but she grabbed my phone and deleted the video and the pictures of the marks she left on me. And I tried to tell them the truth but they were very biased and unfair to me. Telling me that what my mom does is discipline and I can't "discipline her back." So they put me in handcuffs and the last thing I saw before they took me away was my mother smirking at me. I spent one night locked in a cell. I was the only minor there so I was made to put on a different uniform than the rest of the people there. They woke me up at 6 am and asked me if I wanted breakfast and I said yes, please. They didn't give me any though, and I was scared to say anything about it. I didn't get lunch either. I was there for about 22 hours and didn't eat or drink once. There were insane people locked away elsewhere, and I heard them screaming and ranting all day long. When I was being released the officer told me that I better respect my mother, and I told him that my mother attacked me first. He said "She's your mom" and I told him that mothers shouldn't attack their kids. But it was obvious he didn't believe me either. I have a court case on March 13th at 1:00 pm and I'm going to tell them everything my mother didn't tell them. I'm going to tell them the truth.
I just found out I wasn't running the proctor program right on my tests this semester. My 5 tests at around 90% are now worth zero. I want to cry. My GPA is ruined. My grants, my scholarships. Maybe the teacher will let me retake them?
I just love him so much I want to read all his favorite books and I want to listen to all his favorite songs. When I walk through the woods behind my house I look at all the flowers and trees growing and I wonder which one he’d love the most. When I’m bored in class my mind always finds its way back to him. When he sits next to me outside on the school’s benches I want to share my lunch with him. When I wake up from a nightmare I grab my phone and look at all the pictures we’ve taken together and read all the nice things he’s texted me and listen to the voicemails he’s sent me and it makes me feel okay again. I want to hold his hands and touch his jawline and listen to his heartbeat as I fall asleep. I want to be the one who brings him a glass of water in the middle of the night and I want to be the first person to say good morning to him. I want to learn all his favorite piano pieces and play them for him whenever he wants. Every time he rings my doorbell I jump down the stairs and sprint down the hall because I’m so excited to see him. I still can’t believe we’re dating and I still can’t believe how good it’s going.
Remodeling houses and building things is so much fun. I'm doing my first project right now- adding a door to my basement- and it's just making me want to renovate more stuff. I really like it. It's so fun watching things just... slowly appear. Like beans turn into walls within seconds once you slap on the drywall. It's awesome.