I don't know what I'm going to do once I graduate from college. I feel like this has taken up so much of my life and I've become used to the routine that I won't know what to do with myself after. I mean, I've been going to school for like 15 years total?? (Kindergarten-now) It's going to be so bizarre to not have that be a part of my life anymore. It's weird to say, but I think I might miss it.
I get through my day just counting down the time until my next break/lunch. I felt like crap today but not crappy enough to call out or go home so I kept telling myself "just make it to break/lunch then take it from there". Only 1 hour 50 minutes until I'm off work and I can't wait.
the first time i kissed someone, i was at a kid’s birthday celebration. we were in his house, in his basement. the girl i was best friends with was there, and i got dared to kiss her. i remember staring at the floor and asking her if she wanted me to, hoping she’d say no. but she said yes. so we stood up, and god, i was so nervous. i didn’t know where to look, didn’t know where to put my hands, so i placed them on her forearms, leaned in, kissed her quickly, and immediately sat back down. and all the kids went “ooooh!” but, in all honesty, when i sat back down, i felt a little confused. and a little disappointed. because when i kissed her, i didn’t really feel anything. nothing at all. it was... boring. and i remember wondering why people enjoy kissing so much and why they make a huge deal about it. but then four years later, i met this guy and he was absolutely breathtaking. even when we were just friends, i knew that i was in love with him i think i always knew. the first time he kissed me on the lips, we were in his room, on his bed. there was a thunderstorm outside and we were alone. i was nervous then, too. but it was different. he put his hand on the back of my neck, pulled me in, and when he kissed me, it was like everything else melted away it was like i was on a rollercoaster. it was like my heart was doing backflips. it was like every part of me was shouting, 'finally, finally, finally!' it was like everything i ever dreamed it would be and more. and i had this moment of understanding, and i kept thinking, 'now i see why people like doing this! now i see, now i see!' and for three days, it was the first thing i thought about when i woke up and the last thing i thought about before i fell asleep and it blows my mind how you can do the same thing with two different people and it will feel like nothing or everything depending on if you love them or not. so maybe he wasn’t my first kiss, but he was the first one that mattered.
The kine is faint, but I think we're finally pregnant. Is Ethan a good name for a boy?
I don't understand why so many people hate Valentine's day for so - in my eyes - stupid reasons. "It's just a holiday fabricated by the industry to sell flowers and chocolate" so what? Who forces you to buy something? "I don't think that there should be only one day a year to show your partner that you love them" Which law was that again that states that you're only allowed to be affectionate to your partner on Valentine's day? Do you also only show your friends that you like them on their birthdays? Do you hate your mom every day instead of mother's day? "I don't like this American bullshit" again, nobody forces you to celebrate it, so why spoil it for everyone who wants to? I have nothing against people who simply don't like it and say that when they're asked, but I despise those who take every opportunity to tell everyone that Valentine's day is shit, especially after someone was visibly excited about it. I feel that people do it just to seem cool and smarter than anyone else because they "don't fall for the trap". As if making someone happy on a special day is bad.
I hate my life so much and yet I don't do anything to improve it
I think I'm too unattractive to be loved. I don't know why, but I always think no one will ever be able to fall in love with me or care about me because I'm not good looking enough. Even when I feel good about myself, there's always that voice in the back of my head thats like "sure you look cute, but there are much better looking people than you".
This last week or two has been really tough on my anxiety and depression. Not full blown panic attacks or anything. But it's been seriously tough to force myself out of bed and make myself go to work. Even when I'm at work, I don't care as much as I used to. I'm either wanting to lie in bed and do nothing but cry and numbly watch youtube, or I'm constantly feeling on edge and ready to snap with rage. Not caring about doing my best at work is making my performance goals suffer which makes my anxiety worse. I need help but I don't even know where to begin. It's tough for me to talk about this with people. I don't like admitting I'm weak, or failing, or that I need help. I don't like admitting any of that in any scenario. I can't afford medical bills and prescriptions. But I can't keep doing this. Trying to help myself with exercise and yoga and breathing exercises helps short term, but I can't put my headset down during a stressful call and start doing yoga. If I'm driving and start panicking, I can't close my eyes and focus on my breathing. What about the mornings I'm running late and can't do my exercises? Or when I'm too depressed to even try?
So, my friend spent the night last night. I work third shift, so I was gone all night, but my sister was here, and she's friends with her too so it was fine. So I tell them that I plan on getting up decently early so that I can hang out with them, instead of sleeping all day like usual since I don't have to work tonight. Well, I got up at 1. They had been gone for a long time already. I called them multiple times. No answers. Another hour went by, no sign of them. I started panicking a bit because I was worried they had wrecked the car or something. Well my sister calls me back around 2:30, and after saying hello, the first words out of her mouth are "Yeah, you can go back to sleep if you want...-" Ouch. "-I texted mom, but I forgot to tell you; we went to the movies.-" Double ouch. "-Now we're on our way to the park to use [friend]'s spirit box. (friend mumbles in background) Yeah, you can come with us if you want? Should we come get you?" I respond with "Well, I have to get mom up at 3." She just says "Oh. Guess I'll see you later then." and we hang up. My feelings are beyond hurt that they just fucking ditched me. And the worst part is, this isn't the first time they've done this. I hate feeling like I'm a fucking third wheel with my own best friend.
I missed my chance to say my goodbyes to my ungle as he was in his death dead. Dont do what I did. Tell your loved ones how important they are too you. Tell them you love them because you may think they will always be there..but eventually, they wont be.