My fiance had a job interview Wednesday and I really hope he gets it. He's been without a job for 8 months. He's been applying everywhere and trying to get a job but hasn't had much luck. I've been handling the bills and grocery shopping, and we're skimming by, but it's tough. His parents had to pay his car payment and he's going to start paying them back once he can. If he gets this job and takes his car insurance off my back, I'll be happy. I can handle everything else, but I need more wiggle room for groceries and my credit card payment.
I don't like mornings but I think when the next shift bid starts next month I'm going to go for an earlier shift. As it is now, I come in at 2:30 pm and leave at 11 (closing). Since I'm in the last group of people coming in, I get last choice of the desks to sit at. We don't have assigned seating and there's not enough seats for everyone to have their own, so I have to move desks everyday usually. I just have to find a desk where the person who normally sits there is off that day. If I came in earlier, I'd have more desks to pick from. And since the calls normally trickle off after 9 or 10, I don't get as much chances for production and selling stuff as a morning person would. If I don't like the new shift, it only lasts for 3 months.
Do you know that feeling of threat, when you just don't feel good, are nervous, can't enjoy anything - for example because you have an exam the next day or sitting in an airplane that's about to take off? I have that every other day, just without a reason. Maybe there is a reason, but I don't know it. My unconscious self is just like "feel threatened" but doesn't tell me what the threat is. It's horrible. I have that right now. It's a beautiful, normal day, I'm doing things I should enjoy, but I still feel as nervous as if someone held a gun to my head all the time. Why am I like this.
There's another 1 days more, I'm going back to College. A new semester. But I have no money. Not a single penny. I can't even afford myself to eat. I'm starving. I wonder what will happen to me. Just what, gonna happen to future itself. This is so hurts
I believe that love is to a huge part based on effort. I think the idea of this true, pure, unconditional one-time love is made up, a beautiful lie forced on us by movies and books. Or that it at least can't exist for everyone, and that those who have it just had extreme, lottery-winning like luck. Unconditional love is reserved for parents and kids. Mothers will always love their child, no matter if they don't see it for years, no matter if it cheats or lies or commits a crime or changes character. Which isn't true for partners. If your partner changes, does something drastic, you eventually stop loving them (at least for the most part, some feelings stay, but you reach the point of not wanting them anymore). I think what keeps relationships together isn't unconditional love, it's effort. It's trying to make it work, compromising, not leaving immediately when you feel like leaving. Long distance relationships don't stay together because love knows no distance, it's because the partners put in enough effort to withstand the urge to have their cravings fullfilled on the spot. I like to believe in effort because it would mean that we can control our happiness ourselves. For most people, the idea of true love might be wonderful, but for me, it just means that you can be unlucky and never find it. Or lose it, and not be blessed with a replacement. I'd rather believe that I can make it work myself.
Do you know this cliché where the girlfriend dreams about her boyfriend cheating, and then she gets mad at the poor guy in real life? I've always used to laugh at that, but now it happened to me. I'm the girlfriend, by the way. Last night I had such a dream, and since I woke up, I feel like our whole relationship is shattered. Not just because he cheated in a dream, but because what happened in it was all so realistic, had some speckles of truth in it, put things that actually happened into a new perspective. The dream was like a propaganda documentary against him: you know you shouldn't let yourself be influenced by it because it's meant to force an opinion on you, but in the end, you still ask yourself if that opinion isn't so bad after all, since the things you saw are actually true. Now I feel so weird, I don't know if I should even discuss this with my boyfriend. I don't know if I'm crazy and overreacting for, you know, being that girl who takes a dream seriously - or if it's justified to worry, since the fact alone that it makes me worry so much could mean something.
Too many people are together and they're not in love. Too many people are in love and they're not together.
I'm trying to get good enough so i can work trough my sport, but i injured myself in a really silly way and now i will need surgery that will put me out of training for at least 4 months. i don't know what to do with my life in these months, without my sport i want to die, i can't lose 4 months but i'm also so sad and not motivated to do anything if it's not related to training at least
I'm in the process of changing my name. only friends/online people know at this point. No family. No one at work. At work... we have a new hire. His name is the name I am changing to. I'm so used to hearing friends call me that, that when someone calls him, I have to stop myself from answering.
every time my house-mate sister comes over, we have sex twice a day when she stays over