When I was a kid my parents hired a female babysitter to watch over me on nights my parents had to work late. She was a girl around 17 or 18 and I was a boy around 10 years old. She was nice company until she started getting weird. She would make me watch porn from her phone and then after the videos were over she would ask me if they ''did anything for me'' and I always said that they did not. Then a couple months after that she somehow convinced me to let her wash me while I took a bath. She had made it sound like it was a normal, innocent thing to do and that I was the one being strange for not wanting to. She started by shampooing my hair and worked her way down and then when she reached my dick I felt frightened so I pushed her hands away and said ''I can do it by myself’' and she said something along the lines of ‘’no, you won't do it properly'’ so she washed my dick in what was clearly more of a jerking motion than a washing motion and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I remember thinking that if I said something she would become angry at me for thinking that what she was doing to me was wrong and weird and then she would tell my parents, so I just let her After that happened she would show me videos of men...doing things...to women and she’d make me reenact what I saw on the videos. If I said no she would threaten to tell my parents that I had been a “very bad boy”. I may have been young at the time, but even then I knew that in situations like this, everyone would believe the girl over the boy. She made me do other things too. Things I can't even bring myself to write down. She made me cry. She was a very sick person. Sometimes I feel like I let it happen because I didn’t speak up or resist hard enough but I didn’t know any better. I was fucking ten years old. When I turned 16 I was in the parking lot of a convenience store after the sun had gone down and I was about to start walking home when out of nowhere a large 40 something year old man who I did not know came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me in place. Like a hug from behind. I couldn't move. He started humping me. It was as if he was using my body to jack off. He was so forceful and overpowering that I lost balance and fell onto the gritty concrete of the parking lot scraping both my palms and elbows raw. He still didn't stop even after I was on the ground. I screamed for people to help me but most of them just ignored me and some guys stayed for only a second to cheer on the man on top of me and take pictures. They took pictures.They cheered him on and I was crying. I was 16. He was middle aged. I was on the ground. He was on top of me. I was screaming. He was laughing. No one helped me. No one. He was making vulgar noises in my ear. His hands pinned me down at my shoulders making it hard for me to breathe on top of sheer terror. He called me pretty boy, a faggot, and a little bitch. When he finished he got up and drove his foot so hard into my stomach that all I could do was gasp and curl into a ball to try to protect myself in case he planned to hit me again. Then he bent down, lifted my head off the ground by a handful of my hair and whispered ''thanks for the good time, kid’’ in my ear and left. Just like that. He thanked me and left. Two years later my now ex-girlfriend and I were walking through an abandoned trail in the forest. Up until then, we had only kissed a couple of times so I could tell she was trying to seduce me. She was kissing me very passionately and her hands were gently tugging my belt. Then she playfully hugged me from behind and pressed her whole body against mine. I immediately froze. It was almost like a PTSD reaction, I think. I was fine with the kissing and the touching but when she pressed herself behind me and wrapped her arms around me like that, it was just too similar to what the man from the convenience store had done to me. She asked me what was wrong but I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t even see her anymore as she stood right in front of me. I could only see the man from the convenience store. And before I realized it, I was crying because the memory was so sharp and so sudden that I vividly recalled all the things I felt at that time. The fear, the anger, the confusion, the humiliation, the feeling of betrayal and abandonment as strangers casually walked away, the PAIN, the disgust, the feelings of utter helplessness, the nausea, all of it. She got frustrated at me for ruining the mood and told me to ‘’come back when you’re ready to deal with your issues like a grown up’’ and left. Because of this, it's difficult for me to have normal sex with my current girlfriend and she gets angry and tells me to get over it. She says it's in the past. That she isn't the man from the convenience store or the babysitter from my childhood. That it's rude of me to even think like that. Because of this, I shrink away every time someone bigger than me puts their hands on me and they tell me to ''stop being such a wuss''. Because of this, I am afraid of making eye contact with strangers on the street as I fear they will attack me. Because of this, I am afraid of dressing up in bold colors and eye-catching clothes as I fear it will make me stand out to dangerous people. I was abused as a child and assaulted as a teen. I knew it then and I know it now. It changes you.
At this point in time, I thought I would have accomplished something. Instead I got a chronical disease and had to drop out of school. Now I'm well enough to start a job, but the thing is that for the last five years I was so busy fighting to get better that I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want to do with my life, except for writing, and since I can't live off that, I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm going to do. I tried to get back into school, but none of them would take me because of my sickness. One accepted me for a day, and ran it by the principal a little late so that i got thrown out the day after I was accepted and had told everyone by then, because I was so happy. What if I finally apply for jobs, and none of them will take me because I'm sick? It's not like I'm disabled or something. I'm just in pain most of the time. People don't even notice. Sure I get attacks every few months for a few days, but I'm finally better, and all people do is telling me I'm still not good enough. I'm trying to finally become independent, we don't have the money to keep feeding me while I do nothing. But every job that would take me are those that would trigger my condition. I think I will go crazy if I don't do something soon.
It's midnight right now and I'm lying next to my boyfriend, who I will break up with tomorrow. Today he did something that I can't get over, but he's too drunk right now to have a conversation and I don't know how to get home (busses don't drive at night). It's a very strange situation and I have no idea if I can even fall asleep. I am not even crying because it's such an absurdly horrible situation that I can't believe it's really happening.
Are you giving up on me? Don't you want to try something first, even if we're far, just to see?
I take comfort in the fact that the woman I find most beautiful on this planet doesn't have a skinny body like society considers to be perfect, and she is still so breathtaking and sexy to me and many others.
I'm in my 20s and I'm fat. I'm a little over 300 pounds. I've learned over the years that it doesn't matter how nice, fun, or friendly of a guy you are if you're fat. if you are fat you are automatically rejected by every girl before even thinking of asking them out. The few girls that aren't shallow are already taken buy bigger guys that were lucky enough to catch them when they were single.
Shadowhunters is so bad it hurts
First I thought I was straight. Then I thought I was gay. And after I thought I was frigid. And after I fall in love with a guy so I was supposed to be gay at the end. And now... I'm lost. I love everybody as long as they are intellectually stimulating. But I still have some kind of love for a guy. My sentimental and sexual life is a mess, it's quite funny in fact...
Why do I end up worshipping people and losing their interest because of it?
I've only said I love you and truly meant it to 5 women in my life that I wasn't related to. 3 of them I met online and never seen in person. 1 I loved so much that I got her pregnant on purpose and 1 is still one of my best friends to this day but we're not compatible with each other outside the bedroom... maybe I should try online dating again lol