I’m going through something... and I feel so alone. My friends... they’re leaving me behind. I can’t catch up to them anymore. If I’m ever mentioned, it’s to pick on my mistakes. I hate how things have become now. I hate how tense everything is. I don’t trust any of my friends now, since they seem to be anything but trustworthy. I can only depend on my family but they wouldn’t understand this... I’m tired. So, so tired.
Period makes me crave for hugs constantly. But hugging is too awkward for me to do.
I am afraid of dogs and I hate it so much when dog owners let their (large) dogs run free, and then when I walk by, they run towards me and approach me and the owners either don't do anything, or they try to call their dog back but it doesn't listen. On my way home I have to walk past a meadow which attracts dog owners like crazy, and they let their pets run free there. It happens about once every two weeks that a huge dog runs towards me without anything stopping it and I always almost get a heart attack and then cry for some time afterwards (maybe it's a panic attack, I don't know). And I hate the owners for it. I understand that you need your dog to run sometimes, but I think it's rude as hell to do that anywhere else than in a dog park, except for when your dog is well trained and listens to orders. And I don't care about when they always say "he only wants to play" because ... it's an animal. It has happened so often that animals suddenly attacked out of nowhere. My friend was attacked by a dog who "just wanted to play" (which is probably the reason for my fear to be honest). I just think it's irresponsible.
I'm not going to wear clothes. I'm living my life naked. Completely naked.
I'm a loser. My life is so empty. I don't have a goal in life, no friends, no gf, no job, no money. I'm gonna end alone and poor.
I kind of had a mental breakdown at my boyfriend's house yesterday. It was the middle of the night and we were in his bed when he asked me about the scratch marks on my hips. He’d asked me about them before several months ago, when he first saw them, and I was too scared to talk about it then. So I told him to ask me another day, and I guess that day was last night. But I froze when he brought it up, the same way I did when he asked me about it for the very first time. He said he needed to know. When I didn’t say anything, he said “Did your mother’s friend do this to you? She did, didn’t she?” and I instantly started hardcore dissociating, like my sense of reality was beginning to slip. He knew. I don’t know how. I never told him. But he knew it was her who was responsible for the scratches on me. He only met my mom’s friend once, but he must’ve seen her nails. She always, since the day I met her up until the last time I saw her, had these horrible, sharp, artificial nails. And yeah, she used to hurt me with them. The memory of what happened next is kind of a blur. I just remember panicking so much that I went numb. I remember getting off his lap, leaving the room, staggering down the stairs, and ending up in the woods behind my boyfriend's house, somehow. I remember him coming out after me, asking me where I was going, telling me to come back. I didn't know what I was doing or how I'd gotten out there. I kind of just wanted to run away as fast as I could because I was so terrified of the conversation that was about to happen, but I didn’t run. So he walked me back to the benches on his back porch, sat me down, and asked me what was wrong. All I was able to tell him was: they used to be worse. The scratches on my hips—they didn't always look like the thin white lines they are today. They used to look like they'd been put there by an animal. They used to feel like it, too. Back then, I was the only boy in my P.E class who changed clothes in the bathroom stalls instead of out in the locker room with everyone else, and I was the only boy in my neighborhood who wore a t-shirt whenever my parents made me to go to the pool. And it was because of this. I couldn’t look at the scratches on my hips without thinking back to how I got them, when she was pinning me down, sinking her horrible, horrible nails into my sides and… well, I’m not gonna say what she did next, but it was awful. I couldn’t look at my own body without wincing. I told him all of this. I told him everything. All my secrets, all the details, all the things I’d been terrified to tell him, it all just spilled out of me. I didn’t even realize I was crying until he wiped my eyes and nose for me. I told him I’m sorry he has to see me like this, and that I hate that I have to burden him with my trauma. Then he pulled me closer to him and quite literally held me until I stopped crying, and he said he never ever wants me to be afraid of talking about these things with him, because nothing I could possibly tell him will make him stop loving me, and that even if he can’t always understand my pain he’s always going to listen to me. He also said "I'm sorry. It wasn't your fault, okay? It's not your that fault this happened to you, and it's not your fault that you couldn't stop her." And that was the first time anyone in real life ever said that to me. I had no idea how badly I needed to hear that. It was two in the morning when we finally went back to bed, and I couldn’t stop looking at his sleeping face and wondering why I was ever so afraid to tell him what happened to me. He’s such a wonderful guy. I had no reason at all to be so worried. But still, it feels strange, knowing that he knows everything now. It feels strange knowing that there’s no more secrets I need to keep from him. I’m not gonna pretend like I’m not embarrassed after I told him all of that, but I’m glad he knows and at least that's all out of the way now.
I hate my family,friends and everyone who knows me....except my best friends...I hate them,that I think should I kill them???They are so stupid!!!!stupid,stupid,stupid,stupid,stupid...and forever stupid...I can't trust that they are human who is the closest to me....really..mI hate them...why do I born with my parents blood???I really2 jealous with my other friends...their parents is so nice that I think,should we change parents???It will be like heaven if I could...what the hell???If I can be born again...no,before I died...I need to kill them first!!!I never change my heart...that's all
I seriously wish and hope that someday, Leonardo Di Carpio and Kate Winslet end up together. 😍
Boy oh boy last night was a wild one. woooooweeeeeeeee!
I really really hate my teacher!!!!!!!