I thought about him lately, a lot. And last night i dreamt of him. That he called me, and he just wanted to talk to me, he said he misses me. When i woke up i looked into the phone because the dream felt so real. Eventually i decided to call him. We talked about casual things. It felt so nice. I could feel my heart almost jumping out of my chest. But then i hear his girlfriend calling in the background, and he tells her that he's talking on the phone with an old friend. And he will be off in a minute. We were together for a long time. I broke it off because i had to pursue my career, and i was afraid. He said he will wait for me and always love me no matter what. But, i guess now i'm just an old friend.....i feel so stupid, i gave up something i really loved for a job.... How could i be so stupid. I thought my career would make me happy...
Today i woke up pretty early and got an appointment for my job interview, which i am really exited and really nervous about. for a change, i made breakfast. not only was it relatively healthy for a change, but it was also quite good, plus i didnt made a mess out of the kitchen like i usually do when i cook. And on top of all that, when i looked out of my open window, i saw big fluffy flakes of snow falling from the sky. And this made me think. Maybe this will be the change i so desperatly needed in my life. I often got told that i would have depression, and that i need help. But i know for a fact, that thats not true. You cant cure depression, but you can cure a shitty life, and i may have found the remedy. I still got a bit of time before i have to start my old job for the last few months this year again. So i can get my drivers license, get the job for september, and finish a piece of work i started last year. This is the first time i can say this is it without suicidal intend.
The older and more aware of the world I get, the more and more I hate being born as a woman. As much as I try to be positive, I can't find one single thing that I prefer about being female. Just to clear up any confusion: this isn't me saying that I'm trans. This also isn't me declaring that being a woman is shit and that everyone should hate it; I simply, with my own values, tastes and wishes, can't find any good thing in it. The constant fear when going anywhere at night. The periods. The pressure of wanting to look good. Having a slightly lower chance of having a good career. Having to go through carrying and giving birth to a child if you want one. Being judged for way more stuff than men are being judged for. The list goes on. I am bitter about this and I know I shouldn't be. But I am.
Went down the road to a fancy dress party. I was Woody from Toy Story as a gay looking cowboy hat and some jeans are easily accessible at the last minute. Anyway I hooked up and fucked a ghost. At least I thought she was a ghost. Turns out it was just one of the muslim hoe's from next door. Oh well. Least she didn't blow me. Up.
My mother is an awful bigot. She is one of those free love Boomers who hate Christians. She disowned me years ago, but still calls me when she's down. She just got dumped again at the age of 55. Desperately clawing for whatever garbage man will stave off loneliness. So what does she want to chat about? Looking down on Christian morality. She knows I converted as a teen and married a Christian. We even waited for marriage. I just want to tell her, maybe considering my marriage worked and you are alone AGAIN, maybe I was on to something. Sour grapes. Why do I even answer the phone? What's wrong with me?
Has anybody else ever been exhausted by an ex? Our relationship ended 3 years ago and he’s still stuck on me. He was talking to me and some other girl at the same time for about a year before we were official. I asked him multiple times if he had any feelings for the other girl or if he liked her and he was adamant they were just friends. I’m not a jealous person and never had a problem with him talking to her especially since we were friendly to each other. We never hung out together but we were Facebook friends and followed each other on IG. All was good at the beginning between me and my now ex until he started behaving shadily. He would tell me he’s doing one thing but his friends or social media show different. He was acting very vague with short 1-3 word replies, on the phone he didn’t say much, in person he was really secretive and seemed like he was in his own world. The final straw was when we made plans to hang out and he canceled to “study”. Turns out he was hanging out with the other girl and it wasn’t the first time, he did it our whole relationship. He told me the entire time they don’t hang out anymore, they barely talk, they only text here and there to check up on each other. Basically when he wasn’t with me he was with her. Neither one of them would confirm if they ever hooked up or not but neither denied it so I’m pretty confident they did. He spilled all the beans on a lot of things so I broke up with him immediately and ever since then he will not move on. He keeps trying to talk to me saying I’m the love of his life, he wants to marry me, we’re meant to have children together and all this shit. Our relationship lasted less than a year so its funny how he was juggling the 2 of us the entire time and all of a sudden we’re supposed to be married and have kids? WHAT! We weren’t anywhere near that stage when the relationship was good. But he just womt give up. He messages me all the time and shows up at my work “to get lunch” at least twice a week. It’s literally exhausting having this man bothering me all the time. I’ve told him I’m not interested but he wont let it go. Every time I block him he finds a way .
I’m so jealous of my best friend, to the extent that I just want to cut off contact with her. She’s pretty, academically successful, and middle class. I’ve always been jealous of her and we have always been quite competitive academically but now I just feel like everything goes right in her life with her hardly even trying. She cheats and lies to get out of exams or to do well in them and has stolen my work and others’ work in the past, yet she still views herself as deserving of every good grade she has ever achieved She’s just got into one of the best universities in the country and I know I need to act happy for her but I feel that it’s unjust that she’s got in largely because of her arrogance, accent, expensive extracurricular activities and cheating. I can hardly talk about it without the contempt and anger showing on my face. It’s all everyone is going to be talking to her about for weeks though. I know this is childish and pathetic but I just wish I had friends whose sole purpose didn’t seem to be to make me feel worthless and jealous.
My wife gets these impulses, and she becomes a bitch in two seconds. They are out of nowhere. Fuck her when she does that fucking shit.
I'm an atheist and i live in a very religious family. I'm not sure if i should tell them because I'm afraid I'd be cut financially or even get kicked out.
I've been too emotional lately, probably because i took ecstasy a few times not so long ago that drowned my dopamine and made me depressed. It makes me feel everything times 10. I'm glad that I'm surrounded by good people that love me. Emotions are too real.