why everyone leave? why do i have to be alone once again?? god, just take me.. i can't deal with it all over again
I am a very quiet, shy person. All my life I thought that the reason for why I suck at conversations and never say anything is because I am so afraid that my mind goes blank. I've tried being more confident for ages, but with no results regarding the conversation thing. I now realized that the problem isn't that I'm too afraid to speak my mind. It's also not that I don't know what to talk about. It's that I don't WANT to talk about anything with people. I don't have the urge to tell anyone anything about me or my opinions. And I honestly don't care about what other people could tell me. Don't get me wrong, if you want to tell me something I'll listen and try to understand, but I just don't care enough to ask questions about your life and keep a conversation going.
There's this guy I knew in college. He always talks about how depressed he is. I don't know if he was being real deep inside.... But tbh, he sounded too pathetic about his depression. Like depression was some kind of fad for him. I don't know, I can't judge him but every time he talks, I just wanna scream at him and tell him, bullshit. He was pretty toxic but at the same time I'm conflicted to say it because he means well when I tell him little things about me. But he's a difficult friend to be with and I always had mixed feelings when with him. But all I can say, he sounded too pathetic and it's driving me nuts and I don't know what to say. And I know that depression is depression, there's always a catalyst to it whether that catalyst was light or not. I'm going to be redundant here but his reasons is like a child's play and he dumps his shit to me. They affect me but not affect me leading to depression more like irritated. I mean I hope I can tell him, I had 3x suicide attempt, 3x cutting. Changed 3 anti depressants. Was hospitalized 3x, was in psych ward once, was sent to sensory deprivation room because I was starting to be mentally dead, had nervous breakdown, have insomnia. Almost died 3x: my disability complications, from Dengue, accidents... Was raped and molested by my cousin. Yeah sure to him, I look normal. I was excelling in classes, I was completely caring. That's all because Im not putting an effort to label myself and like shit, I've been here, just keep on living.... And because I somehow saw that some depressed people like me, are just sad. Like pathetic sad. But again, I wanna try not to judge as much as possible because everyone is different. I met those with lighter reason but at least, they're reasonable. I don't know, it just sounds too unreal to be depressed because you lost 1 follower on Instagram. And lost 1 friend out his what, unaccountable amount of good friends. I have 4 (including him) that I call my friend and 1 friend was murdered by his boyfriend (it was on the news), 1 was drug addict and violent and so I stayed away from her. I have him and my other friend who is always busy now we are in college.... . He didn't have to pay for college because his parents do it. I pay my own tuition, I have two jobs as why I have small friends. Plus I have anxiety. And I feel like he isn't my friend too because he doesn't know me. And I prefer it that way because knowing him, it's not worth showing him my boulders. Knowing the fact he can't even lift his own pebbles. Plus he doesn't care anyway, he'd ask me then after my one phrase, he'd be telling all about his shit.....
I don't belong here. This is your world. I just live in it.
Ok so my step father is a deadbeat asshole and my mother is constantly mad at him. She won't leave him though because she would be alone and won't find another man at her age. She's also fat, ugly and has a temper. Sometimes I just hate them both for always arguing for the dumbest shit.
People bore me and annoy me and yet I miss having friends. Never had a gf either btw. I'm just that bad when it comes to social interaction. When I get bored of people telling me shit that I don't care or to put me down I bottle up. It doesn't take much time to lash out at people because I'm so angry of being alone and dispised.
Music is a small comfort these days
Sometimes there's nothing better to do than watching NCIS...
~UPDATE from I'd appreciate big help here... I'm 18, I'm Male blablabla~ This morning my bff got a call from the guy, he asked if she wanted to go with her brother make a campfire. He asked if I was there and well, he came to pick us up. My bff (who knows I find this guy super nice) made me sit in front, and we talked during the WHOLE ride, about all and nothing (nothing about homosexuality yet). We arrive, start the fire, cook sausages and drink a Palm Bay each. We all talked and had a lot of laughs and good vibes. I was the one putting music and made him discover Billie Eilish. We went through her album, and Wish You Were Gay came up. He seemed to focus on it and talk less, while my friend and her brother talked. So I looked at him staring at the fire a bit silent, and I start singing the whole chorus. At some moments we locked eyes, but really brief At the end, the last "I just kinda wished you were gay" (that I sang louder cause I don't sing well so I can't be as smoothly silent as Billie) he looks up and notices me staring at him. We looked away but he laughed about it and sang again. We arrived an hour ago, and before we left, he gave a fist bump to my friend, a handshake to her brother, and when we shook hands he pulled me in a bear hug (no fighting, he's just a softer big boy) and pat my back, then rolled away... So I guess maybe success? Also: During the night, since he likes fires and lives close, he kept saying we can stay at his house anytime and come any day for a fire... Finals exams are coming and its stressing me, should I take the chance to message him and ask if I can stay for a night?
When I'm alone and doing embarrassing things like going to the bathroom, masturbating, crying, singing (with weak-ass lungs like mine...), or throwing things in rage, I'm scared that someone sees or hears me even though I know I'm alone. "Maybe these walls are thinner than they look and someone in the next apartment hears me!" "Maybe, when I look at a picture on my phone, the person in the picture can see me even if they're fictitious!" etc. It's a mix of worrying that the sound of whatever I'm doing annoys someone and of a fear of judgement. When I'm crying, I sometimes close doors and windows and turn the lights off. I do that so that I can feel a bit like I don't exist and maybe then nobody will hear me. That doesn't make sense, but doing it makes me feel slightly better.