If you are a guy over 35 please let me know. I'm a girl by the way
I was deprived of attention when I was little that when my son hugged me back for the fist time I actually cried.
I lied about my age online and ended up sexting with someone (them not knowing my real age) over the course of 4 days and ended up feeling a real connection. We both said incredibly explicit things to each other while we both got our rocks off too. I told them yesterday and I feel horrible because they never deserved to be lied to. They said I was the same age as their sister and they just couldn't continue talking to me (which is obviously understandable). But I will never understand how I could act so compulsively in that moment without really thinking about the consequences. I've since deleted that social media account entirely along with our messages to each other. I feel horrible and I never want to hurt someone like that again, but I'm afraid I will. I'm scared and I want to fix myself but don't know how.
I do things compulsively without realizing and hurt people (emotionally)without meaning to, yet don't truly recognize the weight of what I've been doing till it's already said and done. In the moment I see vaguely that it's bad but it's not until it's too late to go back that I feel guilt and remorse for it. And that guilt is enormous, like a PHYSICAL BOLDER on my chest mixed with a constant nagging feeling of anxiety. I want to get better and not do it anymore but I have no clue where to start. How did I stop this compulsive lying and behavior before I'm too far gone?
When I was a younger lad, my parents health took a downward spiral like a Rollercoaster. By the age of 9, my mum was in a wheelchair, Dad was confined to a Hospital bed for awhile and just stared Dialysis. I had to learn to take care of them along with my brothers. Both of them were diabetic so that made things more interesting. By the age of 11, my Brothers toddled off on their own adventures, granted they weren't any older than me. But most of the time I was at home taking care of them both. By 12, both of them were in wheelchairs, their health really dropped. I woke up at 3am every other day to prep my dad for Dialysis. Had to figure out out to transfer them in and out of the tub on the occasion, administer their insulin, manage their meds here and there. By 15 my brothers were gone elsewhere for college, leaving me still to take care of them. It was difficult. Their health just continued to decline worse and worse and I was the only one there to take care of them while juggling High School, and whatever life I could create. Chances were slim because my time was devoted to my parents. at this point my dad lost his leg, mum was in constant agony. By 18 I started in the nursing assistance program because why not, I've already been at it for years. Might as well get paid to do it. But now years later, My parents are gone from this world, I never saw how this had an impact on me. I've spent a decade taking care of them. The important development years on it. Now I noticed that I look for relationships where I am the caretaker or someone's crutch. I neglect all my own self-needs and become someone else's shoulder to hold on to. If you have a pretty good grasp on life then k. not too bothered. My ex fiancee is the prime example of that. She needed help raising her newborn, No job, no real stability so I came in, did my thing, now she's doing good and we broke up. (Mainly because the relationship was a mess but that's a story for another day). I don't feel like I'm worth much unless I'm giving myself to other people. I don't know if I like to play the hero (if you knew my life, you would know a hero is definitely not what I am. but again, story for a other day) or I just want to help the world in my own way but it definitely has impacted me. And I can't function on my own stuff unless I'm serving others.
i absolutely have no one. i dont know if i can keep doing this.
How long can a relationship last without spiritual unity and understanding?
I do love him and I want every inch of him to be mine.... But God means more to be then lustful desires do so till that becomes something he's interested in I'll play the long game.... I'm sorry my baby every bit of you is precious and everything I want right now but I can't have you unless we are equally yoked
I'm afraid of sabotaging good things that come my way because of fleeting desires and because I get so excited So fast for lobe and relationships that when I come down off the high of newness and take off rose colored license I will hurt someone again.... I don't get hurt when I leave I'm always doing the hurting and they fall so hard so fast it should be a crime I can do this without trying. Am I just lacking for emotional connection, are my standards to high, do I have something I want to achieve and then leave? What is it that makes it so hard for me to stay and make a long term commitment???? (maybe it's because so many platonic relationships I have that were supposed to break did so now I afraid of something much more precious breaking.
I have depression. I feel terrible but I don't want pills or to see a doctor. I feel weak and pathetic enough already. And that's the worst part. I feel crappy all the time but I just can't muster the strength to do anything about it. I hate myself. I have thought of killing myself more and more frequently.