Things r bad between my bro n I n even if he forgives me it'll never be back to the way it was n that hurts like I'm being stabbed repeatedly so to cope when I can no longer bring myself to feel anything I burn myself slightly n it makes me feel human again like I'm not an unfeeling monster parading around as a normal human being because the truth is sometimes I just don't care. I don't feel a thing it's like I'm hollow inside and then for a brief period in time I feel everything heightened like I can't breathe. Then I go back to being empty so empty all the time. I do good in that I don't think of killing myself or have breakdowns every day but the truth is I don't have these breakdowns because I can't feel a thing, I'm so empty inside and the only way to elicit emotion is through physical pain or the day to day lives of others. I can only feel through others. I'm a horrid person on the inside, I'm a bad daughter and a horrible sister and I've done things that I'm ashamed to even admit to myself. All of my blessings have been wasted on me and it's so damn sad that it breaks what is left of my heart. I feel like the way I am I'll never truly love or be loved by someone and everyone that does love me I pity them, because I can't give that level of love back because most of the time I just don't feel a goddamn thing. There so many people that I care about but sometimes I feel so disconnected that I can't even grasp what is actually happening to me. I write this crying because I know it's the truth and I'm sad and angry and hateful towards myself but then I cry even more because there's an all too large part of myself that is over it and has accepted that that is how and who I am and I hate it. I hate myself, I've always hated myself no matter how good I do or will do or have done, I still hate myself and what even more sickening is that there's a good chunk of me that's ok with that. I can't get out of bed sometimes because of how much I hate myself I wish I never brought this burden into my family's life. I've stressed them out and I've made them cry and I am disgusted with myself for what I've done to them. I've had no right not one to have put them through knowing and caring for me no right. I don't deserve love most of the time I can't even feel it. My main emotions are fear, sadness, grief, sorrow, emptiness and anger. I'm angry at myself for being so damn useless and cold. I fear that everyone will realize what I already know about myself that I masquerading as human. I'm sad about it, I grief a girl long dead and puts me in a perpetual state of sorrow. She was a good girl and I've stomped her down into nothingness, I've made her a ghost and she constantly follows me reminding of what I used to be and how I've killed her. Soon this moment of reflection will pass and the emptiness will settle over me again and I'll be numb but I'll remember, I'll always know And somewhere in the back of everyone's mind they'll know too
Anyone wanna be Snapchat buddies? ^-^ Not for nudes or anything though.
He has court today. I just hope they don't put him away for this...
Drama leads to Trauma...
I just wish I could be sure that he loved me, even just a little. I let my mind play games with me and make me feel terrible. then I roll a blunt and I'm happy again. idk what's life.
I've attempted to get help for this depression and back out each time. . . I'm more afraid of what meds will do to me. . . I know I need the help. I'm killing everyone around me, I want people to be happy, but they're not, because I'm not:( I'm a piece of shit
Go away, Depression. You ruining everything.
My grandma recently moved into a retirement home and had to throw out most of her possessions. I was assigned selling some of the stuff online, which I did. I was super glad and surprised to get rid of most of it after just some days, and first was happy to have made some money, but then I found out that one of the sold items was valuable. Like, really valuable. I always do research first, but somehow didn't find out that it was. I regret that deeply and I'm quite embarrassed, now understanding why the guy buying it from me grinned so much when he picked it up.
I always think about my funeral and I wonder if all my exes would go . I'm 27 and 3 kids is this weird or what do I. think that ?
I recently got stood up by a guy I really like. I know I should move on but for some reason I can't seem to forget about him. I keep beating myself up but I don't know what to do. Do I give him another chance or try with all my strength to move on?