She is just so pretty there's really no one else that looks like her. she has the darkest hair I've ever seen. It's like ink. And her eyes look like a different color all the time. Sometimes they look blue and sometimes they look green but most of the time they are gray gray gray like the clouds when there's a big storm but she is nothing like a storm she is like sunshine to me
Today was my birthday and the best thing that happend was that my coworker (teammate, we work as set team as paramedics and spend like 50 hours each week glued together) called me shortly after midnight. She told me I was the best shift Partner she could hope for and such things. The rest of my birthday was more or less depressing.... but I could not get her out of my head. This started some days ago as another coworker mentioned that he feels vibes between us, and wanted to know if there is more, and as I declined, he asked if I would be interessted in more, I must have smiled in a way that answered all his questions. He thinks we would match good.... But even before that moment I started thinking more and more about my coworker, she is my little princess, and she knows that. All in all it feels like I am getting feelings for her, I stopped searching for love half a year ago and now that..... but I don't know how to behave now... I made not a single good experience with women in my life. I am still a virgin at 24 now, all women I came closer to played with my feelings and I have trust issues. I trust my little princess , but I don't trust myself, and I don't know how much of my feelings are a result of beeing lonely all my life......
I'm sitting on this big big couch and my stepbrother is next to me and my stepsister is on the other side of me and there's a big sleepy cat on my lap making "brrrr" noises and we're watching the Incredibles and eating Oreos and I'm just so emotional because just a few months ago I didn't have any of this. a few months ago I would have been in a cold apartment all alone while my dad was at work all day long. my mom had passed away and my dad started to physically abuse me. I felt so alone. i didn't have anything nice and now I have all the best things and it makes my heart feel so funny I can't describe it.
I see the sky kiss the the sea fron up here, and there's almost no difference between the the two, tw colours, the lining, just blend in beautifully. It's totally different view from down there.
I wish I was more happy with myself.
I want a child just for someone to raise. But I know how fucked of person I will be to my kid, I'm scared I might ended up making my child's life and his/her choices in life more fucked up than I do. The opportunities that my kid could've achieved would be taken away just because her mother is fucked up. I'm mentally crazy it's all I'm saying. I'm laughing now for no reason and I'm not sure why.... It's just that I feel so angry, so sad, disappointed, regretful, broken, and lonely. I feel like there's no cure for it. And I can't help myself and I'm sure I can't help a child grow. I'm tired in life. Really tired. And I'm not sure why I'm even tired. I still love life, and I'm sure I've done my best to help others before. But I feel so empty, lost, and I want attention somehow where people praise me. But then, world is made of people who never care about each other unless you make it to what they call "the top".... All the top I see is heaven. I hope it's heaven... Death probably.
Parents: *constantly minimize and downplay every single thing I'm proud of and every single thing I worry about* Also parents: "Maybe you might not be so depressed if you wouldn't downplay all of your accomplishments :/ " I don't understand how they can always tell me that none of my problems are important enough, that none of my efforts are good enough, that I am only mediocre in every way, for my entire life, and then wonder why I don't feel like I've done anything noteworthy, like nothing I've accomplished is worth mentioning, like none of my issues are significant enough to talk about. I don't understand why they constantly tell me I'm not good enough, and then wonder why I don't think I'm good enough.
Nose job? New car? Hmm...
My boyfriend went out with a girl yesterday. She is the "friends with benefits" of his best friend and they had already hung out a few times, the three of them I mean, and apparently got along so well that she wanted to do something with my boyfriend alone. I don't think she has any foul intentions (I'm even quite sure that she's in love with the other guy) and I trust my boyfriend that he'd never cheat. However, there are things that go beyond trust - after all, you can control whether you cheat, but not whether you fall in love with someone else. I first was quite pissed when he told me that they're going to hang out, but didn't tell him because I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend. I continued to be irritated when I heard that they're going to our favourite bar. Today, when I saw that the two had been out until 5 in the morning, I felt like I was going to be sick. When I go out with him, we usually are home again at midnight, 1 am tops. I now have the feeling that he had more fun with her than he can have with me, and am afraid that he now has doubts in our relationship. Of course I'm going to tell him how I feel, but I doubt it will help much.